Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear Priscilla Presley

hey girl, what's up?

I saw you on Dancing With the Stars last night and you were amazing, seriously...you can dance, it was beautiful. You are in so many ways a living testament to what it means to be in your 60's...or I guess what it should mean.

Notice I said in some ways....um honey...what's up with your face???

You look like you a part Barbie doll, and part reject from a wax museum. You talked about how you wanted to dance to show the world that you can still do things when you are in your 60's...and blah blah...well how about aging gracefully? Perhaps dare I say...naturally?

Now, you are my mom's age, but sweetie, your face has less lines on it than mine. It's not normal, it's just not.

In fact looking at you made me sort of feel sad and uncomfortable. Now, I am a huge (HUGE) Elvis fan and fan of yours, and yes...even in many ways a fan of your trashy and crazy daughter but this torrid love affair you have going with Botox, well, it has to stop.

Now I know you have had an f-ed up life, Elvis warped your sense of reality by sheltering you for so many years but here's a little tip from me to you. In the "real world" people age, their foreheads get wrinkles and when they feel emotion it shows on their face.

Last night at one point I think you were crying, and it was touching, or I should say it would have been touching had I not been transfixed by the fact that your face did not change.

All this being said, you were still fierce and I did vote for you (well for a few of my votes).

I hope you stay on the show, I hope you stop with the Botox so you can look a little more "life like", and I hope your crazy daughter shows up a lot...all fat, pregnant, miserable, and nuts.

love
Jennifer Gordon

Dear Insert Name Here

Dear Hilary Clinton

I want to wholeheartedly congratulate you on your victory in NH last night. Really, in so many ways it touched my heart. Yes, I no longer reside there and thus was not part of this election, yes...I support John Edwards, yes...I still love Barack Obama.

But your win last night, well...it moved me, it moved me more than I thought it would.

You see so, so many years ago when I was just 16, and your husband was still Senator Clinton, I was allowed entry to the NH Democratic Convention, due to the fact the a high school teacher of mine was working on the campaigns and could see that though I was a delinquent in school I was smart and had a love of politics.

I met a lot of people that day, and the two stand outs were you and your husband, he was gracious, charming and over all humble, more so than most people I believe would think. And you, well you were amazing. So very present when I talked to you, like at that moment in time you really wanted to be talking to me, a girl who was years away from voting, one with clearly no money or rich parents to contribute to your husband's campaign.

You talked to me, and I listened, and you listened, you talked about women in politics and how it was different than being a man in politics, not better, not worse, just different. It was your heart that I saw that day, and to be honest it is not something you show too much during your work.

I know it is a memory that was one in countless for you, but something life changing for me in many ways, you changed my life that day, and last night in NH, you started to change the world.

Now, politics or not whether people agree or disagree with what you have to say, that matters little to me right now, because you are doing something amazing, something that as a little girl staring up at our framed photo of JFK (which hung right next to the framed picture of the Pope) I never thought would happen.

Thank you.

Jennifer Gordon

(ok readers, I bet you all thought I was going to write to Brittany today, right??)

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear Santa

I know, I have sort of waited for the last minute to write to you, but by now you probably realize that I am a procrastinator and well....a little lazy.

So I will get to the point....

for Christmas this year can you please make sure that you do not overload me with sweets, you see my bubs' family sends boxes (AND BOXES) of food to us, filled with all sorts of things that I cannot resist...cookies...cough...whoopie pies...cough. So you see, if you fill my Christmas sock with assorted chocolates I will most likely be diabetic by New Years, if you want to give treats, maybe some Cheese-Its, or some Luna Bars and Red Bull (sugar free)

Also, as you know I am really hard to buy clothes for, what with the being short but still having really long legs, also there's the whole "boobs" thing that Santas are always mystified by...so please just a gift certificate would be best, maybe something from Macy's...you know, if your looking for ideas

Books are always good, please check with my bubs, he has the list of vintage Nancy Drew's I still need, I am sure you could swipe some of those from your lazy book reading girl elves.

Most importantly this year I want happiness and health for my bubs, the mean cheese, my mom, me and everyone else I love.

oh, I also want a thicker skin and a better self esteem.

yours respectfully
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (insert name here)

Dear Celine Dion

first I am going to start by saying that you are one crazy, fantastic, diva of a thing. You rule, and I am being entirely serious.

I know, I know...it's sort of hip to hate you, but come on, I really can't do that, you make me smile.

I love that you are over dramatic and beat on your chest when you sing, I love that you speak in a thick Canadian accent (which reminds me of my mom) complete with horrible grammar. I love that you are married to some old man named Romaine or Marcoux....or something. I love that you wear ridiculous diamond rings shaped like tigers and leopards, just because you can.

Now I am not going to say that I have fabby taste in music, there are lots of things I like that hipsters around the world can be united behind....but then there is the part of me that loves, with a fiery passion. Bad pop music.

I listen proudly to the Partridge Family, and The Spice Girls, and I do it without that faux sense of ironic entitlement....I do it because it brings me joy.

That is how I feel about you, when I hear you bust out with that overly sentimental crappy song from Titanic....well it never fails to give me the chills, and makes me glad the Leonardo DiCaprio died in that movie, just so this song would exist so that many years later you can sing it on Dancing with The Stars....and I can watch you, tears streaming down my face while I shovel apple pie in my mouth.

thank you Celine, for giving me that moment.

I love you and your huge hair.
Jennifer Gordon

(this post is dedicated to you Tara!)

Dear (insert Name Here)

Dear Mel B (um...that's Scary Spice for all of you who are not "in the know")


I love you, no, not a lesbian way....but you know, just in an "I love the Spice Girls AND Dancing with the Stars kind of way"

Now, for a long long time, Posh Spice (miss Victoria) has been my Spice Girl of choice, but lately as you know Posh has been looking a little thin, and well...a little odd, and frankly this "friendship" she has with Tom and Katie, well, it creeps me the hell out.

But then I discovered you, no longer were you just the woman who sadly got knocked up by Eddie Murphy (btw, what were you thinking with that one, how did you let him put his "thing" inside of you?). I will just say that for the record, after Jennie Garth, I wanted you to win on Dancing, though you were a ringer, it did not matter to me, you were beautiful up there, all slutty one minute and sort of classy slutty the next.

It was hot.

Also, your partner Maks...um yeah he's hot too, in fact I think you should leave your husband for him, then you two could "dance" whenever you wanted to.

I'm sure he would take care of Eddie Murphy's love child just as well as your hubby can.

oh also.........can you score me some tickets to the Spice Girls reunion??? Seriously??

love
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

(don't read this if you don't want Dancing With the Stars spoliers......I'm aiming this right at you Tara!!)


Dear Marie Osmond (week II)

Crazy lady.....did I not tell you that it was time for you to go???? Well there you have it, your rabid sad fans have kept you in the show for yet another humiliating week, and my Jennie Garth has gone home.

why?????

You know, this week you even topped yourself in the giant yuck factor, when you ended your routine by flying into the audience and laying across all your brothers laps...well that was enough for me.

You had way (WAY) too much cleavage going on and your floppy boobs almost fell right out of your dress and onto Donny.

Yes, he would have liked it, loved it in fact, I saw how he was squeezing you when you were on top of them...I mean it looked to me like he was trying to cop a feel, and perhaps get to second base, and you were letting him and loving it.

gross.

anyway this is not a letter about your gross relationship with your brother but rather one about how it is you that is a creepizoid. I feel like you are playing to the fans of the show, to make them become like your zombie doll loving fans you already have....and for the record I think you "fainting" on the show....total crap, you did it all for sympathy and attention, and lucky for you, it worked.

I do ask one thing of you, please please, next week I know there is a "no hold barred" dance, please for the love of God (Mormons believe in God right, they don;t believe in a Robot like Scientologists do, do they?) please DO NOT do that patented Marie Osmond move where you put your hands on your head and gyrate all around, it is far more disgusting than I care to describe, and I am sure that is the real reason your son got into drugs and is now in rehab.

not a fan
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear whoever it is that is in charge of not giving the writer's guild the monies, and who might be willing to pay me cash money for my Hollywood ideas and all the while not sully my good name and artistic integrity.

(ok, that is quite a mouthful, I should have just said "To Whom it May Concern")

Hello sir or madam

I am a flegling writer, chock filled with good ideas for TV show, so fear not advertisers no need to go into repeats with me around.

I will start with a few quick breakdowns of ideas I have for some of your best tv shows.

1- HEROES....ok this one is a given, Mohinder gets a girlfriend, her name is Jennifer Gordon, they are wildly in love and have some great make out scenes. She has a power, it really does not matter what it is, just that they are boyfriend girl friend.

2- The Office- ok, the office gets a new employee, her name is Jennifer Gordon, she has a BF already, we will just call him "bubs" for short, they are adorable, she is sassy and he is funny, they are both damn sexy. No one cares about the "Jim and Pam" thing anymore, no, it's all about Jenn and her bubs, America is riveted.

3- Dancing with the Stars - ok I know this is live and "unscripted" (lol) but let's just say that you need some new hosts because the ones you have are sort of lame, and are not ver good at the whole improve thing, so anyway you get a new Host/judge, her name is Jennfer Gordon, she has the people dance the normal dances, but then there is a round where the dancers dance new routines that she herself has choreographed, these dances are all named after hypo-allergenic dogs, for example she would say things like "tonight dancing the "Yorkie" is Jennie Garth and Derek", or even, "tonight dancing the peek-a-poo, Scary Spice and that hot Russian guy"

4- see how good I am with this list, imagine what I could so if you gave me a few minutes in the "David Letterman" zone.

so in short, here are a couple ideas for you to play with, I give them to you in good faith that you will return the favor by sending me monies, lots and lots of monies.

love
writer/scribe/dancing show host/ mixed media artist
Jennifer Gordon

Dear Insert Name Here

Dear Joaquin Phoenix

Hi how how are you?

um...remember last week when I very publicly declared that we we were "over"...remember that? Well, you know I was joking right?

no?

I was temporarily insane you see, it was real life bubs' birthday and I always get a little psycho when presents of any kind are involved, throw in cake and I am done for.

So you see...I was not in my right mind. I am back to normal now and I just wanted you to know we are most certainly NOT broken up.

So there you have it, no excuse to head back to the demon liquor now....you're stuck with me....oops, I mean, lucky you...you have me.

Yours forever (and ever, and ever)

Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear Joaquin Phoenix (my movie bubs)

this is really hard for me, you see...how do I say this...

you and I mister, we're over. Yes, it's true I can't go on leading this double life, you see my real life bubs is an amazing man. Today in fact is his birthday and on this I cannot have my heart torn in two.

I have to face reality, though you and I share something intense and almost other worldly, my real life bubs and I share those things too.

Movie bubs, real life bubs, movie bubs, real life bubs...

you see, it's not healthy.

I know you will be fine, after a while. You will get over me, you will have too. Luckily you have a movie coming out so you will have lots of things to distract you, also you have AA meetings to go to, those will be a good distraction for you.

Please don;t go back to drugs and the joy juice, losing me will be a devastating loss, but I think it will not only make you stronger as a person, but as an actor. Maybe next time....you'll win the Oscar too, not just the Golden Globe.

I will always look back on what we had with much fondness.

love
Jennifer Gordon

(now, off to celebrate my real life bubs' birthday....HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEITH, LOVE YOU!!)

Dear Insert Name Here

Dear Jennifer Lopez

aka J. Lo, aka, the other Jenny from the Block that is NOT ME!!

What's up? So, here's the deal...everyone thinks you are preggers, I even hopped on that bandwagon ages ago...but you won't say anything, when it's totally obvious, that hello....you've got a baby up in there, wither that or you are a total chubster now.

Wait....that's it, I think you are not pregnant, in fact I think now that there rumors are flying you are doing everything in your power to get yourself knocked up.

Ok, we get it, you are happy, your married, you are all "settled" so, you started eating, a lot, it started simply with a few trips to your local Hostess Bakery outlet store...and have escalated to you consuming a bag of egg noodles and 4 cheese sauce.

Am I right?

And now that the fat has hot the fan you are scrambling for a good old fashioned baby cover up.

Yeah, I could be on to something.

In all seriousness, big fat belly or baby belly it does not matter, what you should really worry about is what you are wearing, darling Jenny...you look like Mrs Roper on Three's Company...the MooMoos are awful.

So, with that I bid you adieu, and wish you luck with the big announcement, whether that be a baby announcement or just that fact that you are embracing your "larger self" wither way you are still a hottie, just ditch the 1970's curtains you have been wearing. I also want to wish you luck and hope that kids look like you, your hubby sort of looks like an E.T.

your friend
Jenny from the Block II
(jennifer Gordon)

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear K-Fed

wow....ok so let's fist start with the humiliating....lately I have been finding you.....sort of attractive, I think it was that whole "father in need" thing that so many Lifetime movies are about.

Now that you have been awarded full custody to your little monsters (ahem...oops) I mean children, I am sure this odd attraction will go away.

So officially, congrats on getting to take care of your two boys....um, what's his name and slightly older and slightly fatter what's his name.

I am sure you will be a good or at least adequate father.

If you ever need a little "child rearing" advice I am here for you. You see, you and I have a bit in common you see I take care of a "mean cheese" who was also birthed by a crazy white trash woman, I too have had the pain and heartache of picking up a child only to have to say the words "Why are you covered in Soy Sauce?" or "Why are your hands (and socks?) covered with the red from BBQ chips??"

So, fear not you will break your little what's their names out of all the trash habits they have, surely before Brit-zilla kicks that nasty meth habit she has.

you will be fine, I have faith in you, and even more than that I have faith that the $30,000 a month that you get from Un-Fitney will be enough to hire a nice nanny and get your kids eating 3 sqare meals of cheeseburger macaroni....or what ever it is the little ones eat.

Anyway, I should not be taking up anymore of your time, you have butt pants to change and children to chase.

keep it real K-Fed.

yours,
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear George Clooney

Ok, I know I have written to you before, but tough luck Chuck…

I just need to say that I am honestly glad you did not get seriously hurt in your recent motorcycle accident, and I am even more thrilled that this bad case of “road rash” you claim to have is not on your face….or any other “delicate” area.

(cough….if you know what I mean….wink, wink)

I guess I am also sort of happy that your girlfriend, whatever her name is, is ok too.

What is her name? Candy, Bimbi, ….oh it’s neither here nor there, I am just glad that her “broken toe” did not stop her from being buy your side and giving her first “official” interviews while being your girlfriend.

Now, I have had a broken toe, and forgive me if I speak out of step (pun) but I am pretty sure you don’t need a big get up of bandages and crutches….

Right?

I mean, I had a broken toe and still managed to be in 5 daily and nightly shows of A Christmas Carol, and yes, I did have to dance too….

So, what am I getting at? What am I insinuating about your precious little Bimbi, well that perhaps….just perhaps, she is all in it for the attention.

“Look at me, look at me, I’m with Old Man Clooney”

"Look at me, look at me, my toe is broken, please write about how well I’m dressed on page 6”

“Look at me, look at me, I clearly have some unresolved Daddy issues”

And so on and so forth.

She is awfully young, then again, you’re George Clooney for hell’s sake…The CLOONEY!!!! SO I guess you should be with younger women…

But please note for the record, I do not approve of this one, there is something strange about her, like she clips your hair while you are sleeping and saves it all in a jar, and has some strange scrapbook of your whole relationship, complete with custom made rubber stamps and decorative papers.

Or, I could be wrong.

All my love

President of the George Clooney Facts of Life Fan Club

Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear guy who plays Mohinder on Heroes

(I know I could have googled his name or even read it under one of the many, many photos I've downloaded, but I can't take my eyes of the face)

how are you???? I'm really excited that Heroes will be back next week, not only because it's a good show but now I can see you again.

yeah, I'm kind of a stalker.

you see.....you my dear one are ridiculously good looking...no really. In fact you are so good looking it is beginning to become unnerving, as if you are a work of art come to life, or an alien....or that the baby jesus sent you to earth or something or other...

you get where I'm going with this.

I don't even know you're real name, nor do I want to...I don't care...(I sound like a frat boy hitting on a dumb slut).

I even asked my bubs if he was jealous of you he said of course he was but really he could not be mad, as you are that good looking.

Many months back I was talking with a straight male friend and even he said that you were so hot that you were making him feel "almost gay".

That is quite a power.

well, I've got nothing else to say as I know nothing about you, other than....I hope Heroes doesn't suck this year and I hope you don't die, or get a girlfriend on the show.

love
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear Kenny Chesney

(I know dear readers I can hear you groaning because I am writing to a country singer...)

so, Mr Chesney...for a long time now you have walked a fine line with me, teetering on the edge of me just shrieking out "OMG I hate you"!!

I know, you are probably wondering why, why such loathsome venom coming from me, a girl who is way more country than rock n roll....

I love your music, I really do, though I could do with a little less of the "forced Jesus references" that are plaguing the the industry, but that's a letter for another time.

well, let's start with just a little list...in no particular order...

um....what's up with the weird sleeveless shirts you are always wearing? No, seriously, I want to know...I get that you have a hot body and all, but Kenny (mind if I call you that), how do I put this delicately....

you're not butch enough to pull off the sleeveless shirt thing, you look like one of the Indigo Girls.

Now, I get that you are "country" hence the hat in ALL photos, but I think you should still rock the hat, but take it off sometimes and embrace your inner "going bald" part of your life...there's no shame in that.

No onto the large white elephant in the room....RENE ZELLWIGER...yuck.

ok, I know the marriage was short lived (I am thanking the baby Jesus you sing about for that), but still the damage was done, in marrying that scrunchy faced nit wit you gave hope to all the sort of ugly girls out there, making them think that they too can marry a non butch cowboy....it's just too much.

Now, we come to strike three, the nail in my Chesney coffin if you will....

so, a few nights ago you were playing a show in NYC, at Madison Square Garden....and who do you bring on stage with you...Johnny Damon and Roger Clemens.

F- me!!!

Are you kidding me??? Seriously as a Red Sox fan you could not have picked two worse people to drag up on stage with you...let me put this in a way you might understand....

how would you like it if you saw Jesus kissing Judas (I think I got this right, it's been a long time since Catholic School).

The only other thing you could have done that would have been more insulting to Red Sox Nation is to bring the frozen Ted Williams on stage and through peanuts at him while wearing a Yankee shirt.

make amends Kenny, and soon.

love
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear Jennie Garth

So....you're going to be on Dancing With The Stars this year....I have to say I am equal parts pissed and overjoyed...you see, now I am obligated to watch the show, something I really do not need to be doing, right?

But you see, a part of my soul died the day that Beverly Hills 90210 went off the air, no really...dead.

I lived for 90210, and you my dear sweet Jennie...were my favorite.

Kelly Tayolor...even just typing that gets me all geeked up. I loved her, and you. Every week I would watch and just think "I am so, the "Kelly"...though the similarities are not all together striking.

I am no blond, not rich, no nose job, no bmw...BUT....I did have a bitchtastic bff (like Brenda), I say had because we had a parting of ways after she turned into a racist neo con....but that's not the point, I also had a long relationship with someone who was a total snore fest (that would be that no good hippie I married) much like Kelly's relationship with Brandon, um...and then there is my Bubs, he is an awful lot like Dylan....

So you see, Jennie, I felt a connection with your character, and with you...cuz hello....we have the same name too...

So now my point...please don't suck on Dancing With The Stars, because watching you is like watching me....or, it's like watching 90210, I am really not sure which, but please, please....I hope you are practicing now.

I do have faith in you, I remember you had a work out video, so I know you have some "moves", though since then you have had a lot of babies...too many babies actually (but that is another letter for another time)

So I will leave you now, in hopes that you will get your butt into a dance studio and start this thing...we need you to be the ringer this year...I don't want that coveted trophy going to another athlete.

yours in the spirit of 90210
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

**no theme this week...just show me what you've got

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow

Hey...it's been a long time, huh??? So....how's this whole "mommy" thing treating you.

Congrats on getting the cover of the September issue of W, that's huge, being the biggest fashion mag month of the year and all....I will be honest and tell you I really wish it would have gone to a model, but that might just be me.

I will also say that I did let out an audible groan when I saw the cover, " goddess gwyneth"...ugh, really....goddess, I though you stopped being at "it girl" shortly after the whole Ben Affleck thing.

I also noticed, that you seem to be looking a little dead behind the eyes, and I am not talking about death around the eyes in that sexy Gia Carrangi way.....but just like dead eyes.

Like a doll...and old tired doll.

I know you always had that stone fox ice princess thing going for you, and that worked...but this...well it's creepy. Did having babies literally suck the life out of you???

Then I hear that you will be playing the love interest in the new Iron Man movie....honey....you are no Pepper Potts....but I guess this is the thing to do, make a great super hero movie and add a lame female love interest played by a creepy robot woman....(a la Katie Holmes in Batman Begins).

Sorry Gwyendi...I speak the truth....I think that maybe you might need the help of a little chemicals before you do another photo shoot or public appearance....it might give you a little flare...perhaps a xanax and pinot griggio cocktail would work????

with that I will leave you, and hope with every ounce of my being that you don;t ruin Iron Man for me....

your friend
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Your Celebrity Boob Twin:

Carmen Electra

Who's Your Celebrity Boob Twin?

**we're doing a theme today, write to your "Boob Twin", find your boob twin here.

Dear Carmen Electra

first I am going to wholeheartedly say I'm sorry for all the times I called you "Slutty McBig Boobs, and said all sorts of mean things about you when you are all whored up in the Taco Bell Commercials....

That being said, us being boob twins came as a bit of a shock to me....I mean, when I see you I see a woman who has these giant crazy and slutty boobs, how can we be the same.

I expressed my dismay to my bubs, asking if my boobs were in fact this slutty and crazy, then he got sort of a dreamy look on his face, and mumbled something about slutty boobs.

I take that as a yes.

So here we are, soul sisters if you will....perhaps in an alternate universe we are totally bff's, going bra shopping together and well...that's all I can think of.

But, then I remember Miss Boob...we do have things in common!!!!

You had a short lived comic book series "Embrace", I believe you were a whore/vampire in it, am I close??? Well, I too had (have) a comic book based on me, Stiletto Heights (also Petite Heights)...so see, we would have stuff to gab about.

Also....you were married to Dennis Rodman and Dave Navarro, those odd balls liked to wear makeup and women's clothes....they also had a very (un) healthy obsession with porn....well that no good hippie of an ex husband of mine I believe had the same cross dressing urges I believe. (yeah, I know....it's one of the MANY reasons he is my EX).

So Carmen, it appears that we go more than just boob deep (wait...did I just say "boob deep").

Also....I hear you're a big lesbian now, I gotta say if you're going to go gay, Joan Jett really is the way to go so that's pretty cool. I'm not currently a lesbian so we don't have that in common but I do think Angelina Jolie is white hot, so that counts.

So there you have it boob twin, I here by declare us new Bffs.

♥♥
Your Boob Twin,
Jennifer Gordon

Things that happened yesterday in list form

• woke up and had cake (yes, I know you all know this), noticed my bubs had gotten me a new/old Nancy Drew mystery about a stage coach
• did the whole bloggy computer thing, while consuming the "nectar of the gods", by nectar of the gods I mean...Frappio, at the moment it rules my whole existence
• sat on my porch for a few minutes where I saw a sleek white, beautiful little creature, at first I thought it was a bunny, but no....it was an albino squirrel, I hope I see it again today
• painted things and packaged things
• cried when I read the outpouring of birthday wishes on my blog
• cried when I read my friend Aaron's blog and his lil' birthday tribute
• watched a HUGE scary ass lighting storm, part of the sky was green, the other part was black.
• got a special delivery of a dozen roses sent to me from my friend (and self proclaimed "biggest fan" Diana
• ate more cake, after eating pizza and french fries (it's my birthday damn it, calories don;t count on your birthday
• talked to my mom on the phone, who though did not send me a birthday gift swears she is putting something in the mail for me....some sort of miracle dead sea salt face stuff that will help me be beautiful....she swears this to be true, the sending and the beautiful part, and like always, I believe her...

so that was my day, in a boring un birthday celebratory nutshell....now as I type this the air is cool and the skies are dark, it looks like night but it is 8:00am, and I want to go back to sleep, but the Frappio has my heart and head going, so instead of sleep, I type, and then I will paint and I will not emerge from my studio until I am done.

you see I'm swimming with ideas, my bubs gave me some bulletin boards and I have one hanging between my art tables and I am using one as my inspiration board....and you see, it's working, I am inspired and have sketched out another very large painting.

now, first I must finish the things I started yesterday, which incluse a couple small pieces and some ornaments.

Photos today are of one of the ornaments in my shop as well as a new small collage, oh and I did post the large 18x24 piece as well....

one last thing before I go.....I promised you faithful ones that I had something special up my sleeve for this weeks celeb letters, I am giving you all a heads up as this letter will be themed.

you see (sorry boys) Michelle sent me a wonderful link a while back to find out who your "Celebrity Boob Twin" is.....well, here's the challenge, find your boob twin and write to her.

Boy readers, you can make one up or just revel in the boob inspiration, your choice.

xoxoxo

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear Barbara Walters

so today is the big day I guess...you announce who is going to replace..............snore...........zzzzzzzzz


what oops, sorry, I fell asleep thinking about "The View" and what a miserable and boring excuse for why women have the reputation for being annoying and crazy, seriously it's like watching a bad sitcom about pregnancy and menopause.

While having a discussion with my bubs last night the subject of "The View" came up, and now I have a little pitch for you...

ditch all those tired hags you have on there now, we need a little fresh blood, they should be replaced with...

me, Posh Spice, Sarah Jessica Parker, Tina Turner, and Michelle Tanner

please note the when I say Michelle Tanner, I do mean that one of the Olsen Twins will be on the show at all times, but we will just trade them out for one another on various days...or hell even during the show, it will be a fun game...because let's face it....no one can tell them apart, not really...I love those bitches and I'm still thinking to myself, wait which one is the suicidal one???

So that should be the "New View", I think it has all the makings of a mid morning ratings power house....oh and my bubs said that the line up would have to change for one day each year (his birthday) then the line up would be...

me, Sarah Jessica Parker who will keep me company while he stares at Andie MacDowell (his long time movie bubs), and Reese Witherspoon (his new movie bubs)

I know what your thinking Babs (mind if I call you that?) you're thinking where the hell is sweet Angie Jolie...well we thought about that, and came to the realization that we don't want a bunch of kids trolling about, so she's out!!!

One final thing, one final plea as a present to my Bubs...there used to be a "Man View" on...it had a bunch of F-Listers on it...what happened to that show? For the record, I would like to publicly declare that it should be brought back, with the following line up (line up courtesy of my bubs who put A LOT of thought into it).

My Bubs (he would be the "Barbara Walters" only on the show sometimes), Sir Ian McKellen, Billy Zane, Harvey Pekar, and (Big Fat) Toby Keith (TK!)

so there you have it....today you will announce the new co-host and it will be boring and safe and menopausal....all rolled up into one non threatening slightly over weight package...

So I beg of you one last time, consider my options...don't make me go to another network with this sweet idea!!

love
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

***jody....I am really expecting a letter to Promises Rehab facility from you today....also I left La Lohan alone, in hopes to read a good letters to "the linds"today)

Dear Kevin Federline

how is it even possible, seriously...that you are the least trashy thing in celeb news in the past few days...seriously???

First, in all seriousness, good luck in the custody fight, I really hope you can get you two kids away from the trailer park unfit mom that B. Spears has turned into.

Now, let's get to the nitty gritty, Brit was always kind of trashy in that dumb slutty kind of way...that is not being argued, but when exactly did she turn into a total wing nut psycho path???

My theory on this one is not the common one of post baby depression...but sadly the blame falls on you Kevin (in a good way)...one thing I have known in my life is that white trash girls easily become swayed by fast car driving thug types...in fact they go crazy for them...it's like cat nip. They see a cheesy Trans Am, Camero, or some sort of Mustang and just like that...little Sally dumb ass turns into a complete and total trash whore.

My theory is that Brit became so out of her mind hot for you...that once you were gone...she went nuts...

can this be true Kevin? Are you that good in bed???

You must be, as on last rumor patrol stories were spreading that your ex actually picked up dog poo by using a Chanel Dress, and wiped grease from fried chicken (yeah this is why she never got her good bod back) on a Gucci Dress, these crimes SHOULD be punishable by de-handing.

My advice to you...try your harder to keep ripping off the whole Justin Timberlake look that you have right now, and try to do some sort of "help the needy" thing like my favorite power couple The Pitt-Jolie's.

your friend
Jennifer Gordon