Dear Insert Name Here

Dear Joaquin Phoenix

Hi how how are you?

um...remember last week when I very publicly declared that we we were "over"...remember that? Well, you know I was joking right?

no?

I was temporarily insane you see, it was real life bubs' birthday and I always get a little psycho when presents of any kind are involved, throw in cake and I am done for.

So you see...I was not in my right mind. I am back to normal now and I just wanted you to know we are most certainly NOT broken up.

So there you have it, no excuse to head back to the demon liquor now....you're stuck with me....oops, I mean, lucky you...you have me.

Yours forever (and ever, and ever)

Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear Joaquin Phoenix (my movie bubs)

this is really hard for me, you see...how do I say this...

you and I mister, we're over. Yes, it's true I can't go on leading this double life, you see my real life bubs is an amazing man. Today in fact is his birthday and on this I cannot have my heart torn in two.

I have to face reality, though you and I share something intense and almost other worldly, my real life bubs and I share those things too.

Movie bubs, real life bubs, movie bubs, real life bubs...

you see, it's not healthy.

I know you will be fine, after a while. You will get over me, you will have too. Luckily you have a movie coming out so you will have lots of things to distract you, also you have AA meetings to go to, those will be a good distraction for you.

Please don;t go back to drugs and the joy juice, losing me will be a devastating loss, but I think it will not only make you stronger as a person, but as an actor. Maybe next time....you'll win the Oscar too, not just the Golden Globe.

I will always look back on what we had with much fondness.

love
Jennifer Gordon

(now, off to celebrate my real life bubs' birthday....HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEITH, LOVE YOU!!)

Dear (Insert Name Here) week 10

Dear Joaquin Phoenix (my movie bubs)

how could you???

Wait, should I start with, is it true??

Oh, don't give me that look, that "I have no idea what you're talking about baby" look...you know what I'm talking about.

While surfing the internet yesterday I stumbled onto a "news story" in which Lindsay Lohan...cough...Blowhan...cough....boasted about having sex with you.

So....is it true?

If it is, I just have to say, I am appalled....you are my movie bubs, I expect more from you and your soulful and sad eyes...wait...I am getting weak here.

Sure you had your past drug and alcohol problems, but really, let's be honest, who hasn't...but Blowhan, come one!!!!!!

I know I know...she meant "nothing to you", she is just a coked up skank...whatever.

I am hurt, you hurt me movie bubs.

What's worse, I want it to be over with us, I want to move on and find myself another movie bubs...but you know what, Blowhan has had sex with all of them.

Jude Law....yup, she nailed him
James Franco....no their just friends...wait what did you say, oh...yup she DID have sex with him.

aaaaaaggggghhh!!

I just expected more from you. I was talking to my real life bubs about it last night, he was more forgiving of "the incident" saying that if the "good Lord Johnny Cash" liked you, then you have to be a good person, my real bubs also made mention that you were probably all hopped up on "goofballs" or "poppers" when you had sex with her....making it a forgivable offense. After all, you don't know that you are my movie bubs.

I want to forgive you, I do...trust me, I married a no good hippie during my wild chemical enhanced days...this will take time.

Just stay away from her, and go to the doctors, for serious you probably need to be de-loused.

your ex

Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here) Week III

**You all know what to do, time to write the letters to whoever you want.

xoxo

Dear Giselle

First my apologies if you do not read English very well, please have your assistant read this to you. I am assuming you do read English, as you must have been able to read and memorize your 2 lines in The Devil Wears Prada...

How are you? I just want to start out by telling you that you are by far my most favorite of the super models, not since Linda Evangelista reigned supreme have I loved a model as much as you. In fact if I had to guess I would say you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen...wait scratch that, my bubs is the most beautiful person I have ever seen, then Angelina Jolie, then Joaquin Phoenix, then you.

Wait...where am I going with this.

Oh, now I remember...way to go getting Tom Brady the Quarterback of the New England Patriots to knock you up, did you "forget" to take the pill that day?

I have to say that I was at first thrilled that you were dating him, as a born and raised New England girl, it really touched me that you were with one of the sports gods from my home, the only thing that would have been better was if you were dating any of the Red Sox, though they are are kind of fat and dumpy looking so I can see why that wouldn't happen.

So....though I was totally cool with you dating him, I have to say I am a bit mortified that you allowed him to get you pregnant, not only is this bad for your career, but the man also knocked up his ex-girlfriend too, just one month before you. I'm not huge on the whole "math" thing but I would be worried about the "overlap", but that's just me.

Now, forgive me if I am wrong but I really don't think he is the "marrying kind".

Now....I have this sinking feeling that things will go bad, that you will be left as a single mom, sure you will be incredibly rich and all, but single nonetheless.

Please don't go begging Leo to take you back, that will be humiliating, I suggest that you get in touch with the Jolie-Pitt's and see if they want to adopt/buy your baby, I'm sure they would. It would be ridiculously attractive plus it would be of international descent...which I think are their two main criteria for baby shopping.

Please consider this option, I only want what's best for you, and for the New England Patriots.

your ever faithful
Jennifer

ps- is there any truth to the rumor that you will be taking over Victoria's Secret?

Swoon...and a thank you

this is how I spent the rest of my weekend....watched Justin on SNL, watched Inventing the Abbots, listened to some Chris Isaak...and of course, painted a little....and made a bunch of stuff to re-stock my etsy shop.

(check out how hot Joaquin is in that picture...)

Tomorrow (monday) there will be no blog from me, as my bubs has the day off, and now...so do I.

thanks to everyone for making this slumber party weekend a total blast....we will do it again!

love you all, lots and lots.

xoxo