Stiletto Heights

I am Jennifer Gordon- a mixed media collage artist and comic writer living in Columbus OH, with my fiance and love- Keith. I specialize in paintings, ACEOS, journals, art boxes and more. I am always available for commissions! Visit my etsy shop at:

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear K-Fed

wow....ok so let's fist start with the humiliating....lately I have been finding you.....sort of attractive, I think it was that whole "father in need" thing that so many Lifetime movies are about.

Now that you have been awarded full custody to your little monsters (ahem...oops) I mean children, I am sure this odd attraction will go away.

So officially, congrats on getting to take care of your two, what's his name and slightly older and slightly fatter what's his name.

I am sure you will be a good or at least adequate father.

If you ever need a little "child rearing" advice I am here for you. You see, you and I have a bit in common you see I take care of a "mean cheese" who was also birthed by a crazy white trash woman, I too have had the pain and heartache of picking up a child only to have to say the words "Why are you covered in Soy Sauce?" or "Why are your hands (and socks?) covered with the red from BBQ chips??"

So, fear not you will break your little what's their names out of all the trash habits they have, surely before Brit-zilla kicks that nasty meth habit she has.

you will be fine, I have faith in you, and even more than that I have faith that the $30,000 a month that you get from Un-Fitney will be enough to hire a nice nanny and get your kids eating 3 sqare meals of cheeseburger macaroni....or what ever it is the little ones eat.

Anyway, I should not be taking up anymore of your time, you have butt pants to change and children to chase.

keep it real K-Fed.

Jennifer Gordon

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Blogger JennyBunnyEtsy said...

I almost fell off my chair laughing... Needless to say, my coworkers now think I have mental problems. I don't care though... That was funny!

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Karen Beth said...

That was really funny. He gets $30,000 child support? Wow.

Poor kids.

10:33 AM  
Blogger Craftymoose Crafts said...

Loved the letter. Not really sure if the kids are better off with him, though...

11:13 AM  
Blogger Block Party Press said...

Ha! I think the labels you used were the best! What a mess. Those poor kids. This is a perfect example that money doesn't buy happiness.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

hey is kinda his own pants sagging, ghetto sort of way.

1:28 PM  
Anonymous Noelle said...

Isn't there a rabid opossum somewhere that can be given custody instead of these two?

2:02 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

I wish I had a cool nickname like "K-Fed".

No I don't. This was hilarious, J.

4:26 PM  
Blogger jungle dream pagoda said...

"Un-Fitney"!!! Ha HAAAhahaha HA hA ha !!!!
You ,my dear,are again awarded my blogspot soundbite of the week for:
"I too have had the pain and heartache of picking up a child only to have to say the words "Why are you covered in Soy Sauce?" or "Why are your hands (and socks?) covered with the red from BBQ chips??"

4:47 PM  
Blogger Sadie Lou said...



You are a laugh-riot!
I loved this post from start to finish. You're awesome!

The soy sauce comment made me frown--how sad.

9:33 PM  
Blogger Chickenbells said...

DUDE...does he really get that much in child support? Cause, he could pay me half and I would totally come and take care of whatever their names are...this world is getting to be a little much...

Poor kids of the world...

10:05 PM  
Anonymous A Fanciful Twist said...

You amuze me to the core!!!! Hahahahahahahahahaa

10:07 PM  
Blogger Columbus Fashion Week said...

lol that was great, hope all is well

12:28 AM  
Blogger CountryGirl_CityLife said...

I love it! He is so in it for the money.

7:48 AM  
Blogger elleabelle said...

I suspect that the reason he wants the kids so bad is not out of fatherly concern but for the monetary compensation he will be receiving. Very sad for the children. (which...although I do think your letter is very sad since they are innocents in this whole sordid affair!)

10:01 AM  

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