Dear (Insert Name Here)
wow....ok so let's fist start with the humiliating....lately I have been finding you.....sort of attractive, I think it was that whole "father in need" thing that so many Lifetime movies are about.
Now that you have been awarded full custody to your little monsters (ahem...oops) I mean children, I am sure this odd attraction will go away.
So officially, congrats on getting to take care of your two boys....um, what's his name and slightly older and slightly fatter what's his name.
I am sure you will be a good or at least adequate father.
If you ever need a little "child rearing" advice I am here for you. You see, you and I have a bit in common you see I take care of a "mean cheese" who was also birthed by a crazy white trash woman, I too have had the pain and heartache of picking up a child only to have to say the words "Why are you covered in Soy Sauce?" or "Why are your hands (and socks?) covered with the red from BBQ chips??"
So, fear not you will break your little what's their names out of all the trash habits they have, surely before Brit-zilla kicks that nasty meth habit she has.
you will be fine, I have faith in you, and even more than that I have faith that the $30,000 a month that you get from Un-Fitney will be enough to hire a nice nanny and get your kids eating 3 sqare meals of cheeseburger macaroni....or what ever it is the little ones eat.
Anyway, I should not be taking up anymore of your time, you have butt pants to change and children to chase.
keep it real K-Fed.