Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear K-Fed

wow....ok so let's fist start with the humiliating....lately I have been finding you.....sort of attractive, I think it was that whole "father in need" thing that so many Lifetime movies are about.

Now that you have been awarded full custody to your little monsters (ahem...oops) I mean children, I am sure this odd attraction will go away.

So officially, congrats on getting to take care of your two boys....um, what's his name and slightly older and slightly fatter what's his name.

I am sure you will be a good or at least adequate father.

If you ever need a little "child rearing" advice I am here for you. You see, you and I have a bit in common you see I take care of a "mean cheese" who was also birthed by a crazy white trash woman, I too have had the pain and heartache of picking up a child only to have to say the words "Why are you covered in Soy Sauce?" or "Why are your hands (and socks?) covered with the red from BBQ chips??"

So, fear not you will break your little what's their names out of all the trash habits they have, surely before Brit-zilla kicks that nasty meth habit she has.

you will be fine, I have faith in you, and even more than that I have faith that the $30,000 a month that you get from Un-Fitney will be enough to hire a nice nanny and get your kids eating 3 sqare meals of cheeseburger macaroni....or what ever it is the little ones eat.

Anyway, I should not be taking up anymore of your time, you have butt pants to change and children to chase.

keep it real K-Fed.

yours,
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Here)

***jody....I am really expecting a letter to Promises Rehab facility from you today....also I left La Lohan alone, in hopes to read a good letters to "the linds"today)

Dear Kevin Federline

how is it even possible, seriously...that you are the least trashy thing in celeb news in the past few days...seriously???

First, in all seriousness, good luck in the custody fight, I really hope you can get you two kids away from the trailer park unfit mom that B. Spears has turned into.

Now, let's get to the nitty gritty, Brit was always kind of trashy in that dumb slutty kind of way...that is not being argued, but when exactly did she turn into a total wing nut psycho path???

My theory on this one is not the common one of post baby depression...but sadly the blame falls on you Kevin (in a good way)...one thing I have known in my life is that white trash girls easily become swayed by fast car driving thug types...in fact they go crazy for them...it's like cat nip. They see a cheesy Trans Am, Camero, or some sort of Mustang and just like that...little Sally dumb ass turns into a complete and total trash whore.

My theory is that Brit became so out of her mind hot for you...that once you were gone...she went nuts...

can this be true Kevin? Are you that good in bed???

You must be, as on last rumor patrol stories were spreading that your ex actually picked up dog poo by using a Chanel Dress, and wiped grease from fried chicken (yeah this is why she never got her good bod back) on a Gucci Dress, these crimes SHOULD be punishable by de-handing.

My advice to you...try your harder to keep ripping off the whole Justin Timberlake look that you have right now, and try to do some sort of "help the needy" thing like my favorite power couple The Pitt-Jolie's.

your friend
Jennifer Gordon