Dear (Insert Name Here)

Dear Priscilla Presley

hey girl, what's up?

I saw you on Dancing With the Stars last night and you were amazing, seriously...you can dance, it was beautiful. You are in so many ways a living testament to what it means to be in your 60's...or I guess what it should mean.

Notice I said in some ways....um honey...what's up with your face???

You look like you a part Barbie doll, and part reject from a wax museum. You talked about how you wanted to dance to show the world that you can still do things when you are in your 60's...and blah blah...well how about aging gracefully? Perhaps dare I say...naturally?

Now, you are my mom's age, but sweetie, your face has less lines on it than mine. It's not normal, it's just not.

In fact looking at you made me sort of feel sad and uncomfortable. Now, I am a huge (HUGE) Elvis fan and fan of yours, and yes...even in many ways a fan of your trashy and crazy daughter but this torrid love affair you have going with Botox, well, it has to stop.

Now I know you have had an f-ed up life, Elvis warped your sense of reality by sheltering you for so many years but here's a little tip from me to you. In the "real world" people age, their foreheads get wrinkles and when they feel emotion it shows on their face.

Last night at one point I think you were crying, and it was touching, or I should say it would have been touching had I not been transfixed by the fact that your face did not change.

All this being said, you were still fierce and I did vote for you (well for a few of my votes).

I hope you stay on the show, I hope you stop with the Botox so you can look a little more "life like", and I hope your crazy daughter shows up a lot...all fat, pregnant, miserable, and nuts.

love
Jennifer Gordon

Dear (Insert Name Hear) Week VII

Dear Most likely Dead but some people still think you are alive...Elvis Presley,

First off, I am a huge fan, like ridiculously huge, always have been, always will be, I even made the pilgrimage to Graceland on the 20th Anniversary of your death, did the whole openly sobbing at your grave thing and everything.

In fact in fact I am not alone, my bubs is also quite a fan, in fact in our house instead of saying "swear to god", or "I swear on my life", we always say "I swear on Elvis".

Most people look at us like we are daffy, but such is life, right?

Am I your biggest fan? No...most certainly not, but I am a big enough fan that if someone were to ask me, Elvis or The Beatles, I would say Elvis even though I know that the Beatles did more for music, but you did more for culture in general I think.

I am a big enough fan to watch your dreadfully wonderful movies, Except Frankie and Johnny, which was just dreadful all around, as was the one where you played the singing doctor and you were trying to have sex with Mary Tyler Moore, who was a nun (Change of Habit).

I have to say my favorite film is "Follow That Dream" where you are a homesteader, living on the beach, that one was good. I think you were kind of "slow" in that one, right? Oh, and who can forget Clambake (I can't even think of that movie without hearing the song..."mama's little baby likes clambake, clambake, mama's little baby likes clambake too").

As far as favorite Elvis songs go, well everyone has one in fact I have several and in different categories, favorite slow songs are "Don't" and "Always on My Mind", I used to consider "Can't Help Falling In Love" on that list, but I ruined that song for myself when I walked down the aisle to it when I married that god forsaken hippie when I was 20....but that is a story for another time.

Favorite fast songs are "Suspicious Minds" and "Little Less Conversation".

which finally brings me to the point of my letter.

My bubs has been learning how to play "Little Less Conversation", and as he was practicing it when we both realized, at the same time....exactly what the lyrics were....and um....Elvis?

Is this a song about you trying to date rape someone?

Seriously, is it? Or is this just what was considered smooth talk in the days before political correctness and "Take Back the Night" Rallies?

these are the lyrics I am thinking about, and well...I'll just let you decide.

"A little more bite, a little less bark
A little more fight a lot more spark
Now shut your mouth
Open up your heart
and satisfy me baby,
satisfy me"

still a fan, but now searching for another new favorite fast Elvis Song,

Jennifer Gordon