Dear (Insert Name Here)
***jody....I am really expecting a letter to Promises Rehab facility from you today....also I left La Lohan alone, in hopes to read a good letters to "the linds"today)
Dear Kevin Federline
how is it even possible, seriously...that you are the least trashy thing in celeb news in the past few days...seriously???
First, in all seriousness, good luck in the custody fight, I really hope you can get you two kids away from the trailer park unfit mom that B. Spears has turned into.
Now, let's get to the nitty gritty, Brit was always kind of trashy in that dumb slutty kind of way...that is not being argued, but when exactly did she turn into a total wing nut psycho path???
My theory on this one is not the common one of post baby depression...but sadly the blame falls on you Kevin (in a good way)...one thing I have known in my life is that white trash girls easily become swayed by fast car driving thug types...in fact they go crazy for them...it's like cat nip. They see a cheesy Trans Am, Camero, or some sort of Mustang and just like that...little Sally dumb ass turns into a complete and total trash whore.
My theory is that Brit became so out of her mind hot for you...that once you were gone...she went nuts...
can this be true Kevin? Are you that good in bed???
You must be, as on last rumor patrol stories were spreading that your ex actually picked up dog poo by using a Chanel Dress, and wiped grease from fried chicken (yeah this is why she never got her good bod back) on a Gucci Dress, these crimes SHOULD be punishable by de-handing.
My advice to you...try your harder to keep ripping off the whole Justin Timberlake look that you have right now, and try to do some sort of "help the needy" thing like my favorite power couple The Pitt-Jolie's.
your friend
Jennifer Gordon
Labels: britney spears, fan mail, kevin federline, white trash
posted by stilettoheights @ 8:31 AM
12 Comments:
This is a prime opportunity for me to give Lindsay a serious speaking to, but I'm afraid a letter will not suffice. We need a one-one-one rap session; a real inspirational, Good Will Hunting sorta thing. Poor, poor LLo; her only crime is being trashy.
Oh, and the cocaine possession.
I can see the Good Will Hunting thing...you keep saying "It's not your fault" until she cries, and then tries to have sex with you...
...and you let her.
I was recently forced to closely listen to the lyrics of "Slave 4 You" when I put it on my running playlist. That girl's had problems for a long time, and she never got her childhood. I thought we were over the time when famous kids grew up and went bad, but we're just over the time when famous kids grow up, fall into obscurity, and go bad.
I wish I wasn't so interested...
Aloha, Julian Tavarez!
Dude. Sorry you're back in the bullpen. You're funny and all, but you've kind of been stinking up the field with your lame-assed pitching. Still, thanks for not being a bitch about it.
Sincerely,
Been
that was an awesome letter!
Kfed, classic, unfortunately people often mistaken McKedge for Kfed so I find him oddly attractive. MCKedge is NOT trashy though. Just had to clarify that. be back in a minute with my letter.
Dear Promises (Rehab Facility) -
What goes on behind your not-so-hidden doors? A big debauchery and drugfest? Are your classes less AA and more how to walk a straight line for the popo when drunk? Well Linds is pissed, there is no way she is coming back this time, you clearly let her substitute that class, as well as the one on sly coke window tossing, for the how to Rollerblade (while high) on the beach.
While Brit was at your lair she encountered former pop star, Howie Day. Howie is released but within a day or two is back inside your facilities getting his paparazzi shot on. Obviously, the Promises slogan is to show the has-beens fame again and the famous well, Promises is their ticket to infamy - just hopefully not a la Anna, you know for your bottom line's sake. Repeat Customers Rock, 15% discount and all.
Brit claims that she has post-partum depression and not a drug problem, so instead you help her to see how drugs could mask her suicidal tendencies. Counselors - you let her loose on the public, 10x more insane. She was better off cutting her hair and harming herself and the paps than being treated by your staff. Please refer to the recent letter-to-mom and Chanel Dog poo incidents.
Were you the facility offering celebs residing for longer than a week, classes developing personal style? Because Brit seems to have acquired a strong taste for short dresses and unflattering tanks all while bra-less. And Lindz hasn't been seen in anything other that a bikini since she ended her vacay with you all. The one change, if any, that you make is substituting that course for one that shows you the basic undergarments to be worn, everyday.
Keep it up, but please more famous celebs, less Howie Day. Do I see a Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie in your future?
CGCL
P.S. How long do I have to stay to get one of the complimentary iPhones?
Jody, once again you awe me with your snark and knowledge of all things trashy.
I love you
Mwahahahahaha. Love it.
You know I get all my GOOD celeb gossip from you Jen! Oh ,my stars and garters,she did NOT handle dog-poo with a Chanel dress! I am BEYOND repulsed. Yup, de-handing seems a good place to start!
Dear Jenn,
Yes, I really AM *that good* in bed.
Yours,
Kevy Kev
ps-If CGCL breaks up with this McKedge character, give her my digits.
Peace out.
You know me too well, Jenn...
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