Stiletto Heights

I am Jennifer Gordon- a mixed media collage artist and comic writer living in Columbus OH, with my fiance and love- Keith. I specialize in paintings, ACEOS, journals, art boxes and more. I am always available for commissions! Visit my etsy shop at: http://www.stilettoheights.etsy.com

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Dear (Insert Name Here) week 10



Dear Joaquin Phoenix (my movie bubs)

how could you???

Wait, should I start with, is it true??

Oh, don't give me that look, that "I have no idea what you're talking about baby" look...you know what I'm talking about.

While surfing the internet yesterday I stumbled onto a "news story" in which Lindsay Lohan...cough...Blowhan...cough....boasted about having sex with you.

So....is it true?

If it is, I just have to say, I am appalled....you are my movie bubs, I expect more from you and your soulful and sad eyes...wait...I am getting weak here.

Sure you had your past drug and alcohol problems, but really, let's be honest, who hasn't...but Blowhan, come one!!!!!!

I know I know...she meant "nothing to you", she is just a coked up skank...whatever.

I am hurt, you hurt me movie bubs.

What's worse, I want it to be over with us, I want to move on and find myself another movie bubs...but you know what, Blowhan has had sex with all of them.

Jude Law....yup, she nailed him
James Franco....no their just friends...wait what did you say, oh...yup she DID have sex with him.

aaaaaaggggghhh!!

I just expected more from you. I was talking to my real life bubs about it last night, he was more forgiving of "the incident" saying that if the "good Lord Johnny Cash" liked you, then you have to be a good person, my real bubs also made mention that you were probably all hopped up on "goofballs" or "poppers" when you had sex with her....making it a forgivable offense. After all, you don't know that you are my movie bubs.

I want to forgive you, I do...trust me, I married a no good hippie during my wild chemical enhanced days...this will take time.

Just stay away from her, and go to the doctors, for serious you probably need to be de-loused.

your ex

Jennifer Gordon

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31 Comments:

Blogger catbishop said...

LMAO

I'll be back to write my letter..

He's not good enough for you anyway.

oh and everyone go vote for Jenn for best shopping blog!

9:07 AM  
Blogger NancyPearlWannabe said...

Dear Library of Congress:

Why do you have to suck so bad? I mean, your sole function, the reason for your existence, is to be THE authority on pretty much every book ever written. So why do I find myself crying every time I try to use your website? And why do I write better catalog records than your fool librarians? If you weren't in D.C., I'd totally come over there to whip your asses into shape.

Sincerely,
NPW

9:15 AM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Don't listen to Jenn, she's just jealous.

Also, I'm not afraid of whatever diseases you may be carrying. If you take my meaning.

Don't get me wrong, trashy, spoiled, coked-out, talentless freak jobs are usually not my cup of tea. But what can I say? I'm a sucker for freckly redheads.

xo,
Ace

9:33 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

Oh my, what a fabulous picture of Mr. Phoenix! I have to admit I am a little disappointed in him. Great letter.

I have to beg off this week - the little boy who lives in my house really needs some attention today.

NPW - I am so glad that someone finally has the balls to take on the Library of Congress!

9:35 AM  
Blogger CountryGirl_CityLife said...

I loved how you picked the nastiest pics of blohan. I almost had a repeat letter to James Franco. Gosh, I miss Freaks and Geeks, he is so effin f-able.

9:35 AM  
Blogger jewelstreet said...

Ha! That probably is the best letter you have ever written.

9:45 AM  
Blogger Craftymoose Crafts said...

You tell him, Jenn!

9:47 AM  
Blogger Karen Beth said...

Great letter, Jenn. I had not heard that about Joaquin but it is repulsive. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Cooking up my letter... have to think of whom I shall write.

Catbishop - I'll vote for Jenn at Best Shopping Blog. What is the link?

9:55 AM  
Blogger jungle dream pagoda said...

Toooo Funny!!!!!! I must say,I need to shower myself(and my hairs not even dry from the last one)to get the ick of that vision out of my head. So heres my letter.
Dear Lindsey Lohan,
Heres how I felt betrayed by you,before I wrote you off as a no account.
You were such a darling little girl! I have a 10 year old and do you know how many times I saw that movie,1st done by Hayley Mills,where you were twins? Your british accent was so good!
...and then there was the Tyra Banks Barbie flick(oh yes I have spent some golden time with the Disney channel!),you were so endearing in that.Imagine my surprise when you then did that made for Disney channel,"spy" movie,it was so cute and your costar was that little Bug fella ,who had been one of my 7 dwarfs,when I was Snow White.Heres the big confession,I LOVED "Confssions of a teenage Drama Queen",I know it would be cooler to love Mean Girls,but Drama Queen is too darn adorable!
My final straw with you dearie, has been turning your back on your natural red-haired sisters,and changing your hair color. I'm an actress ,I realize from time to time you must be a different shade for your character,but honey your red hair makes you so ORIGINAL,fake blonde,makes you merely one of the pack.Change your hair back and clean up your act and drop out of sight for awhile!
JDP

9:59 AM  
Blogger stilettoheights said...

here is the link...

(I shamelessly self promote)

http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/13750

10:00 AM  
Blogger stilettoheights said...

shoot, it cut it off....

the last # after the hyphen should be 13750

10:01 AM  
Blogger CountryGirl_CityLife said...

Dear Parker Posey -

He He Hello

Because I am your biggest fan, I want to give you a heads up.

BTW - I know every line to Party Girl and yes sometimes I pretend I am Mary, especially when I go get my falafel for lunch. Hmmm that guy was so hottie-licious, Lebanese Delight, could you give him my digits?

So, back to the heads up, your movie choices lately (superman?) not so good, stick with Indie. I haven't seen the OH in Ohio yet but the reviews haven't been so kind.
Are you poor? Do you eat Chicken Pot Pie?

Also, your fashion choices are lacking as well. I use to adore everything you wore. AND - you were a guest judge on on Project Runway (with that awful hurlyburly afro)! I expect much more from you fashion-wise. That dress you wore to the costume gala, so unfortunate, but about 90% of the attendees looked horrible so at least you didn't stand out or anything.

I am going to go re-watch house of yes and party girl now...and pine.

jd

10:11 AM  
Blogger Karen Beth said...

Dear Katharine McPhee,

Let me not mince words... You are over-rated. Vastly over-rated. Grossly over-rated.

If I see you on the cover of another magazine, I think I might just go postal.

I mean, seriously, what is the big deal with you?

Okay, you have a voice decent enough to get to Hollywood on American Idol. Honey, you aren't the only one. And, if I might be so bold, I still, to this day, think that the ONLY reason that you got as far as you did on Idol is because you are just a tad bit cuter than most who get on there. In fact, I would be so bold as to say that you got to Hollywood on Idol because of your looks moreso than your voice.

Sad since Idol is not a beauty competition.

But, I'm not an Idol fan and couldn't care less about that although I do think it is a bit of a cheesy way to get your start.

What I do care about is that you are a bimbo. SELF magazine (what were they thinking?) did an interview with you and - honestly - could you have acted more stupid and sleazy in it? Admitting that you don't have the most upstanding dating policies, that you dabbled in a religion simply because your boy du jour was of that particular religious persuasion, prattling on about your eating disorder and half trying to justify it as a way to get into Hollywood?

No.

No.

No.

You may have a cute-girl-next-door look to you but you are still nothing I'd write home about.

Go back to the burbs. Prattle on about whatever you want to to your preppy friends. But, please, get off of the covers of the magazines that I (previously) enjoy reading!

KB

11:17 AM  
Blogger Heatherly said...

I LOVE Joaquin Phoenix, except now you're right Jenn, he's probably got something really nasty raging in his "downtown" area LOL! Lindsay is going to crash so hard one of these days. In 20 years she'll be some washed up alcoholic trying to kickstart her career again! And don't even get me started on Paris! LOL :-)

11:25 AM  
Blogger Heatherly said...

I LOVE Joaquin Phoenix, except now you're right Jenn, he's probably got something really nasty raging in his "downtown" area LOL! Lindsay is going to crash so hard one of these days. In 20 years she'll be some washed up alcoholic trying to kickstart her career again! And don't even get me started on Paris! LOL :-)

11:26 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

Jenn,
if you notice the number of views of your blog are up today, it is just me checking out that picture of Joaquin again.

I gasp everytime I see it.

Seriously. Those eyes.

Sigh.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Ming_the_Merciless said...

I don't understand the appeal of her either.

But my friend said this: youth is a commodity. I think she's not even 21 year.

12:01 PM  
Blogger Ming_the_Merciless said...

Joaquin has the most gorgeous eyes and hair.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

Dear Jennifer Gordon,
Why when you are soooo talented, do you choose to judge so many people? You can not say that mag's are actually correct in what they write. I can not say that!
You have a wonderful gift and may go far with it. If you do can you honestly say that you would love magazines that made up stories about your life?
People that are actors, etc. are just people. Like everyone else, they make mistakes like everyone else. Who are we to judge?
Ok, Ok, I am not going to preach as I know that can be annoying. I'm just going to say that I think your a very talented person! It is up to you how you use that talent girly! Either way, even if you choose not to support me because this may make you mad. I will support you. :)
*HUGS*
Angela Taylor
PS. I think you have the makings of a star!

12:18 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Dear Wentworth Miller,

My younger sister has finally succumbed to all of my talk of Prison Break and has been watching the first season on DVD. She now says she's in love with you. I told her she was out of luck, because you and I have been involved for a couple of years now. She chooses to ignore the fact that I've been there with you from the premiere episode. She walks out of the room when I tell her about how we first met when you walked onto the screen in the finale of Joan of Arcadia. I was rooting for you, ready for you do be that dashingly handsome dark angel, raging to do battle with good. I was heartbroken when the show was cancelled, but soon found hope when you appeared to break your brother out of prison, tattoos showing you the way.

I love my sister dearly, and I don't want this to come between us. So, please, be kind and let her down easy.


XO
Megan

12:48 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

It's not true!!!! Read this article:

http://www.laineygossip.com/ArticleList.aspx?ID=6503

Here's an excerpt:

I say totally believable on Del Toro and Leto, but bullshit on Franco who I’m told couldn’t get away from her fast enough while shooting a cameo for The Holiday, bullshit on Joaquin Phoenix although she did throw herself at him at the Marmont one night, bitch … please on Leo who can get serviced by a supermodel if he’s really that horny, and absolutely 100% slamdunk true with James Blunt, because he’s as desperate and as pathetic as she is.

1:30 PM  
Blogger moogan said...

while I'm still somewhat new to your blog, I'm in agreement that this is your best letter ever!
I'm so sorry your movie bubbs has cheated on you and your heart. If only River was still alive to kick some sense into his std filled brother.

3:51 PM  
Blogger KSV said...

Please tell me it isn't true that James Franco, my one and only true love, cheated on me with Fire Crotch. WHY!!!??? WHY GOD???!!! WHY!!!??? Waaaaaaa wwaaaaaa. This is horrible news. I have to go burn my house down.

5:28 PM  
Blogger stilettoheights said...

oh, I can only say this is what I read on trashy websites, lol.

also, for the record...anyone who is "offended" by my tongue and cheek letters, well I don't know what to say to that.

this is my sense of humor.

7:46 PM  
Blogger The Boob Lady said...

I'd say he needs more than to be deloused. He needs a complete twig and berry transplant now.

8:01 PM  
Blogger alexgirl said...

DAMN you are funny!
BLOWHAN--I love it. lol.
And this is the first I'd heard about her having sex with Leaf--I mean Joaquin Phoenix. Eeew!

My theory: maybe the tryst with Lindsey quenched a hidden tranny urge in Joaquin.
I mean, seriously--she's a tranny, right?

9:35 PM  
Blogger GeminiWisdom said...

Oooh, I feel the same way about her, too, the skank ho'. I think she needs to be de-loused as well.




Visiting a fellow author by way of another fellow author, Alex Richards

12:05 AM  
Blogger artandghosts said...

i think i need help! i really thought that was a younger mel gibson:)
and i only saw a film with this guy in it a week ago!

x

2:26 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

this was a hysterical read...thanks for the post...too funny! shame on him!

1:00 PM  
Blogger Jennifer Ramos said...

that is such a cool letter and glad you posted it, what an interesting read. Thanks!

too funny.

http://madebygirl.blogspot.com/
www.madebygirl.com

5:59 PM  
Blogger thetiniestspark said...

mmmmm, joaquiin...argharghargharghhhhhhhhhhhhh. nice choice of movie bubs. ralph fiennes was mine til i found out he schtupped some airline attendant in a plane bathroom??? oy. what these men do with our hearts...

3:35 PM  

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