Stiletto Heights

I am Jennifer Gordon- a mixed media collage artist and comic writer living in Columbus OH, with my fiance and love- Keith. I specialize in paintings, ACEOS, journals, art boxes and more. I am always available for commissions! Visit my etsy shop at: http://www.stilettoheights.etsy.com

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Dear (Insert Name Here) Week III


**You all know what to do, time to write the letters to whoever you want.

xoxo

Dear Giselle

First my apologies if you do not read English very well, please have your assistant read this to you. I am assuming you do read English, as you must have been able to read and memorize your 2 lines in The Devil Wears Prada...

How are you? I just want to start out by telling you that you are by far my most favorite of the super models, not since Linda Evangelista reigned supreme have I loved a model as much as you. In fact if I had to guess I would say you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen...wait scratch that, my bubs is the most beautiful person I have ever seen, then Angelina Jolie, then Joaquin Phoenix, then you.

Wait...where am I going with this.

Oh, now I remember...way to go getting Tom Brady the Quarterback of the New England Patriots to knock you up, did you "forget" to take the pill that day?

I have to say that I was at first thrilled that you were dating him, as a born and raised New England girl, it really touched me that you were with one of the sports gods from my home, the only thing that would have been better was if you were dating any of the Red Sox, though they are are kind of fat and dumpy looking so I can see why that wouldn't happen.

So....though I was totally cool with you dating him, I have to say I am a bit mortified that you allowed him to get you pregnant, not only is this bad for your career, but the man also knocked up his ex-girlfriend too, just one month before you. I'm not huge on the whole "math" thing but I would be worried about the "overlap", but that's just me.

Now, forgive me if I am wrong but I really don't think he is the "marrying kind".

Now....I have this sinking feeling that things will go bad, that you will be left as a single mom, sure you will be incredibly rich and all, but single nonetheless.

Please don't go begging Leo to take you back, that will be humiliating, I suggest that you get in touch with the Jolie-Pitt's and see if they want to adopt/buy your baby, I'm sure they would. It would be ridiculously attractive plus it would be of international descent...which I think are their two main criteria for baby shopping.

Please consider this option, I only want what's best for you, and for the New England Patriots.

your ever faithful
Jennifer

ps- is there any truth to the rumor that you will be taking over Victoria's Secret?

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11 Comments:

Blogger Beej said...

Giselle asked me to pass this on:


Dear Jennnnnnnn,

I am not knocked up. Bridget Moynihan, Tom's ex is. And you call yourself a celebrity gossip fan.

Sincerely,
Giselle

9:16 AM  
Blogger RecyVintage said...

Dear Alicia Silverstone,

After much contemplation and being asked on a hundred different surveys, I've come to the conclusion that YOU are my favorite modern-day celeb.

To be clear, I hate all of your movies, even roll you have ever had that I can actually recall. I don't think you are that good of an actress.

However, as a "famous person", I think you do pretty well.

Mostly, I admire the respect and admiration that you have for all animals, every lifeform and Mother Earth. Yes, I'm going off into hippie-speak but you speak that language, right?

I admire that you are strict vegan, that you stand up for animals and against animal testing or animal cruelty. I admire that you have completely transformed your household into one of efficiency and no cruelty. I admire that you host lavish vegan holiday meals for your closest friends (can I come?) I admire that you wear eco-friendly, non-sweat-shop clothes and still look fab. I admire that you have given quotes to the media about your way of life and - shockingly - they sound intelligent and aren't peppered with "like".

I'm not a vegan and I'm only half of the hippie that I'd really like to be but you inspire me.

Just wanted to let you know that.

Keep on keeping on.

The animals appreciate it. And I do too.

Peace,

Karen Beth :)

9:31 AM  
Blogger NancyPearlWannabe said...

Dear Drew Barrymore:

I have a little secret to admit: I kind of wish I was you. Not because I think you're particularly pretty or talented, but because you keep it real. You've had like 97 husbands (I'm approximating here) and you were a coke addict by age 12, so it seems like you've lived at least 4 or 5 different lives over the course of your career.

You also dress pretty snazzy, and you've managed to make yourself look fairly amazing despite the fact that you have a bit of a dog face. Make up and stylists help a lot, I'm sure, but your body is kickin'.

You also seem laid back, like you could be up for any kind of wild party or just a random game of Pictionary on a Friday night.

Plus, you got to meet E.T. What's cooler than that?

Sincerely,

NPW

9:47 AM  
Blogger Beej said...

Dear George Bush,

While I'm sure it's been edifying for you to take a gustatory tour of Latin America, we kind of have a couple of wars and some other shit going down at home that you might want to do something about.


On second thought: STAY AWAY.

Sincerely,
Been

9:53 AM  
Blogger stilettoheights said...

Ben....they are both knocked up, google it.

9:57 AM  
Blogger Model Citzen said...

Dear Jennifer Hudson,

Congratulations! You're an Oscar winner. Burger King has even given you free burgers for life! Isn't THAT fabulous? I just wanted to write you a quick note and let you know that you've been very ungrateful to Mr. André Leon Talley. Don't bite the hand that feeds you!
I don't know if you're aware of this, but it is an honor to grace the cover of Vogue, especially since you haven't been around that long. I understand that Andre coerced you into wearing that infamous "bolero"...but at the end of the day, you HAD a choice to say no. Where's your backbone?
The press hated your bolero (I actually liked it) but to back up and trash one of the most important figures in fashion the next week in the press was tragic. Needless to say, I doubt we'll be seeing you on the cover of Vogue anytime soon. Bascially what I'm trying to say is... Keep your big mouth shut! Andre fought hard to get you that cover! HOW DARE YOU???

I guess thats what happens when you're so "green". That was a no no. Don't do it again.

That is all.

xoxo.
Model Citizen

10:40 AM  
Blogger stilettoheights said...

model citizen...I love you, I just had to say that.

oh and Andre is a legend, A LEGEND!!!!

plus stupid Ms. Hudson had already ditched the bolero by the time she got the award...

11:05 AM  
Blogger CountryGirl_CityLife said...

I am having a brainfreeze but I do want to ask SJP -

The new clothing line you announced, Bitten, what is going on with that? The outlets it will be sold at, the price range, it all seems so off for you and your fans. Who are you targeting? I think you need to rethink this.

12:00 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

Dear Julie Andrews,
I have been a fan of yours sense I can remember. I envy your ability to sing as well as act. I grew up watching "The Sound of Music" ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME! Everytime it rain's I think, "The lightening say's something to the Thunder and the Thunder Answer's back" LOLOLOL I used to have a HUGE poster of you on my wall. In the Sound of music singing "The Hills are alive with the sound of music" Blast's me away!!! That song about confidence, really helped me. Seeing as how I had alot of bad moments growing up. When I watched that though....I'd try to think like you. Think I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN ME! What a wonderful touching song that is! Anyhoo, I will always be a fan of your works!
Your fan,
Angela Taylor

12:22 PM  
Blogger coco said...

dear kate moss
what are you thinking?!
pete is so bad for you! just look at what it has done to your skin.
that is all.
love coco
p.s can i have a free sample of your topshop line?

2:55 PM  
Blogger alluretone said...

i thought giselle looked beautiful on the cover of italian vanity fair!

1:28 AM  

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