Stiletto Heights

I am Jennifer Gordon- a mixed media collage artist and comic writer living in Columbus OH, with my fiance and love- Keith. I specialize in paintings, ACEOS, journals, art boxes and more. I am always available for commissions! Visit my etsy shop at: http://www.stilettoheights.etsy.com

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Dear (Insert Name here) week who cares it's my 200th post





Dear Dame Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice)

ok, I may be jumping the gun by calling you "Dame" but really let's be honest, the damn Queen will knight and dame just about anyone these days, so I am guessing sometime next year you my dear will be "almost" royalty....good job on marrying up you by the way, I doubt that I would be saying this had you not given an heir to the Beckhams.

I am going to say some mean things, and you just need to know from the very bottom of my Spice Girl aching soul...that I do adore you.

In fact during my early 20's when the Spice Girls were H U G E, you were always my favorite, in fact me and the rest of my foxy and not so foxy rolodex all called dibs on which Spice Girl we were...and I was all about you baby. You see my overweight and overbearing bff at the time was "Ginger" so it seems fitting.

I chose you because ever then you knew how to wear clothes, and wear them you did.

When I heard you and Becks were a thing....well I knew I had made the right choice for as my fantasy Spice.

All this being said, I am left really wondering...what the hell is up with you lately? Have you seen yourself?

First, what is going on with the boob job? And honey, in all seriousness can you PLEASE eat something!!! Becks is not going to stop cheating on you no matter how thin you get. Right now, you look like a manorexic trannie trolling the streets of LA looking for some poor doofus to pick up, and by poor doofus, I mean Eddie Murphy.

Your hair...your porr beautiful hair, let it grow out, get rid of the blond it does not make you look more "LA" it just makes you look weird. Oh, and one more huge piece of advice....I know you are living next to the Robots Tom and Katie and their strange little alien baby...do not, I repeat DO NOT get sucked into that circle of the bizarre, please, I need to know your safe. I don;t want you to look like a robot like Katie.

Wait, what am I saying, you already look like a robot, but not in the Stepford wife kind of way...more like a sex bot gone all to hell.

Clean yourself up darlin, and start hanging with a real power couple Brad and Angie.

Love
Jennifer "Posh" Gordon


(that's all for now loves, you have just finished reading my 200th post, someone throw confetti at me and crack open the champagne and post some letters for me to read)

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18 Comments:

Blogger NancyPearlWannabe said...

I am SO SCARED of that last picture of Mrs. Beckham. I never would've guessed that outfit of her.

8:38 AM  
Blogger Beej said...

Dear Mr. President,

Nearly every day in this country, and American mutters the words "I pay your salary" to a public official whom they feel is not meeting the high standards expected of office.

Today, it's my day. Mr. President, I pay your salary. Well, not all of it. But some. Therefore, in the same way that John Henry is part owner of the illustrious Red Sox, I am part owner of *YOUR* socks. As your owner, it's time for your performance evaluation.

I'm afraid, Mr. President, that your performance to date has not been good. In fact, rated against the 42 other presidents, your performance rates 50th.

Let's start with foreign policy - not only have you engaged us in two illegal "hot" wars, it appears that you are hell-bent on restarting the cold war. You had a moment in history nearly six years ago when the world was united behind you. The world is still united behind you, but what you don't know is that they are taping a "kick me" sign to your back. America has its lowest standing in the eyes of the world in over a century, and it is entirely your fault.

Domestic policy - remember that? Do you have one? Oh yeah! Tax cuts - now that we're bankrupt, those wars aren't looking so hot, are they? Well, to you maybe, but it's because I suspect you aren't all that bright.

On to Immigration. How did you feel about the Berlin wall? Wasn't it the hero of your party, Ronald Reagan, who famously said "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall?" See any parallels between that and the wall you're building along the border? I do.

Finally, let's talk about your choice of friends and employees. Scooter Libby? Jail. Ken Lay? Almost jailed, but now dead. Harriet Meyers? Not sexy, and not employed. Randall Tobias? Hookered up and resigned. Jack Abramoff? Jailed up. Duke Cunningham? Jailed up. Bob Ney - Jailed up. Tom DeLay? Indicted. Jerry Falwell? Roasting in hell. Alberto Gonzales? Likely will be forced to resign. Scooter Libby? Jailed up. Don Rumsfeld - forced to resign. Paul Wolfowitz - forced to resign. Monica Goodling - needed immunity to testify against the attorney general. I could keep going, but whatevs.

So, as your boss, I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go, Mr. President. Clean out your desk, and Security will see you out by the end of the day.

Also? Please don't use me as a referece.

Sincerely,
Your Boss,
Beej

8:44 AM  
Blogger alexgirl said...

Holy crap, i am rolling with laughter. You are so frigging hilarous. i love the whole manorexic tranny thing. eerily true.
damn, i should really think of a letter to write to a celeb. but i'm drawing a blank right now...

8:59 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

Awesome letters so far.

(Did anyone read those posts in the Etsy forums about the word "awesome" and how the Australians are irked by the American overuse of this word? Well, now I cannot using it without worrying - "Am I annoying someone?" So to the Australians and other non-American English speakers of the world who may be reading this post - Sorry, just can't help myself!)

9:54 AM  
Blogger CountryGirl_CityLife said...

Dear Nicole Richie -

Are the rumors true, are you really preggers? Or are the tabloids just going crazy w/o Blohan and Paris to write about. I didn't think a gal could get pregnant at your size but my mom did take me out of health class in school. She thought those things she be taught at home by a parent but she kind of forgot to teach me, so I only learned from books, movies, and friends. Anyway if you are pregnant, I want to let you know that you should stop jogging and maybe eat something. For the sake of your life and the little Madden.

Just a friendly PSA,

CGCL

Jenn - I love your letter! She is like a sexbot alien. Congrats on 200!

10:24 AM  
Blogger Chickenbells said...

Oh perfect! What happened to this Spice Girl? I went to a concert with an 8 year old friend (no really, I did, it was my gay ex-boyfriend...totally different story, that went just to see the band) and it was surprisingly one of the best concerts I've ever seen...those girls could perform! They changed outfits, danced, sang...and since everyone in the audience was 10 and younger, there wasn't a bad seat in the house. Oh, simpler times, where have you gone?

10:45 AM  
Blogger moogan said...

Dear Kathy Griffen,
I was up late last night and was able to catch the last of your stand up act and a portion of your show, Life on the D-list.
First let me say, that you crack me up. Never have I met anyone who's as potty filled in the mouth as you are, with the exception of myself, and maybe Sarah Silverman. Who's on a hole different level of funny, not that she's funnier. Your just selling to different audiences.
Your witty observations about the celebrity filled world you are so deeply a part of never cease to make me laugh out loud to the point that my sides hurt.
While I adore your sense of humor and love watching you climb the hollywood ladder, there is a serious issue I must discuss one on one with you.
You've gone under the knife so many times, that you are starting to look like a mad Jim Henson creature on lsd. Leave your face alone. While I know you feel the tabloid pressure to look like Angelina, your just not. And that's ok. We don't need our comedy on a perfectly cut platter. Just keep the celeb filled stories coming as raw as only you can tell them and put your plastic surgeons card in a box and bury it in the backyard. Perhaps throw a mix of concrete on top and never dig it up again.
XOXO,
megab

10:51 AM  
Blogger Izabella said...

so funny!!

re: post secret~ haven't sent one in, but when/if I do...you will totally recognize it's mine ;)

xo!!

11:09 AM  
Blogger sara.wears.skirts said...

dear stiletto heights,
thanks for saying what we've all been thinking on this one.
totals.
[see also: http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2007/06/oh_posh_truly_y.html]

xox,
sara girlscantell
http://girlscantell.typepad.com

11:46 AM  
Blogger Christine said...

Congrats on post 200, and lol at the Posh letter- I think she needs to smile more, that would probably help her look a lot better for a start!

11:56 AM  
Blogger jungle dream pagoda said...

My fantasy Spice Girl(a question I was actually ask at a broadcast audition) was Decoupage Spice,I know not a real S.G. but,the only one I really liked(at the time) was Sporty(because she could actually sing,and was all workouty),anyway the casting director loved my answer.
Lately I have sorta loved dear Poshy,but the new reality and LA vibe is pushing her down to the bottom of my S.G. list!
Happy 200!
I am still thinking about who to pass on my "Thinking awards" too?

12:31 PM  
Blogger coco said...

i think posh is a really nice person, she is shockingly quite funny
but she goes too far a lot of the time with clothes
she was my fave spice girl too thou

2:20 PM  
Blogger E & E Bungalow said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

2:28 PM  
Blogger E & E Bungalow said...

HILARIOUS!! I just picked myself up from the ground after falling outta my chair from laughing. Congrats on your 200th and seriously that was one freaking funny letter! Love the "sex bot gone all to hell"...

2:29 PM  
Blogger Emma said...

congratulations on Post 200!
thank god you told posh the truth. SOMEBODY needed to. she can't just have her boob hanging out. she might think it's insouciant, but really...it's just boobs hanging out.

11:16 PM  
Blogger gilfling said...

That was just too funny Jenn - I too loved the 'sex bot gone made'.

Ok bit of copycatting going on here but oh well!

Dear Posh

Ok I just wanted to ask 'what is it with all the denial?'. For how many years did you deny that you had a boob job when it was clear to everyone in the world and their dog that you had? Also (and really I would love to know this) what is with the starvation diet and then the photo shoot (as in the 2nd photo in Jenn's post) where you clearly have an inflatable J-Lo esque butt stuck up you skirt - I mean, really, you can't honestly think that we believe that is your real butt? (I actually think it looks great - but it is clearly not your own)

That is all for now.

5:16 AM  
Blogger The Boob Lady said...

Congrats Jenn!! :)

9:24 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Dear Ginger Spice (aka Geri Halliwell):

Don't listen to Jenn. You always were -- and always will be -- the best of the Spice Girls. Posh Spice is boring; Baby Spice is creepy; Sporty Spice is disturbing; Scary Spice is...well, she's okay. But you, love...damn. Yes, I admit, the last time I saw you, you looked all tan and blonde and horrible. But whatevs. I will always cherish my memories of you in your Union Jack dresses, the red hair with the blonde streaks, and the oh-so-sexy way you yelled "Girl Powah!".

I miss the nineties, I guess is what I'm trying to say, Ging.

All my heart,
Aaron

PS - I still have your official Spice Girls doll.

11:03 AM  

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