Dear (Insert Name Here) Week IV
(*** it's celeb letter time, write them if you got them...also stay tuned tomorrow for news about the fan mail...I will be compiling them into a book...woo hoo!)
Dear Angelina Jolie
(please, while reading this letter you must here the song Angie by the Rolling Stones being played)
First, before I say anything I just have to give myself props for not writing to you every week because you see...I love you.
Like, love you, love you. You are my favorite. I love you, not nearly as much as I love my bubs, but I can easily say that I love you as much as I love sweet cakes.
When you were making out with your brother and looked like Morticia Adams...I was fine with that. When you were wearing a vile of Billy Bob's blood and talked about having sex with him while watching the Game Show Network, well that was great too. When you stole Brad away from that trailer park skank, Jennifer Anniston, I could not have been more over joyed than if I had taken him.
You are even better than Jackie O, yeah, thats right...I said it.
Congrats on the latest purchase of that adorable toddler from Vietnam, I think he will go perfectly with your other children....though, I am not a huge fan of amassing the babies like you are, I have to trust that you are doing it for a reason.
My bubs think that you and Brad are secretly plotting to star in a live action movie version of the "It's A Small World" ride.
But I doubt that you and Brad will be doing the "Disney thing" anytime in the near future.
Another very belated congrats on creating the most beautiful human being in the world, your little baby Shilo...for the record, she is way cuter than Tom and Katie's little cyborg.
I will leave you with one very important plea...please adopt me. I know I am 31 and really should be able to take care of myself, but...hear me out....I don't want to.
I'm an artist, I'm quiet, I'll just live in your little guest house with my bubs and we'll stay out of your hair. I'll even help tend to your army of babies...well, I'll help to take care of some of the ones who are no longer in diapers, I'm not good with the whole "butt pants" thing.
love
Jenn
Labels: adoption, angelina jolie, brad pitt, bubs, fan mail, stiletto heights, stilettoheights
posted by stilettoheights @ 8:32 AM
17 Comments:
Dear Charlie From Heroes,
I have no idea if you ever have or ever will do anything else. I don't even know your name. But damn, I sure love you.
I know, I know. You are in love with Hiro. I also know that you are dead. And fictional. However, my love is so strong, I am willing to overlook these things.
Kiss me?
Sincerely,
Beej
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!
Dear Jessica Simpson,
I won't beat around the bush with you and I'll try to speak in one or two syllable words so that you can understand:
You are a dumber-than-dirt bimbo who only got to be a star because you have a money-hungry-pimp for a Father and you have a hot bod.
There, I said it.
I really have nothing more to say to you than this...
(Stay with me; I know your attention span is probably VERY short. Nick probably knows that better than anyone.)
In that one DirectTV commercial you do where you are playing Daisy Duke and you talk with your head like you are a turtle sticking out of its shell? You seriously look like an idiot in that commercial. Your hot bod can't even make that okay. Seriously. What? Did you have lockjaw or something when you went to shoot that?
Ridiculous.
Pitiful.
Disgraceful.
I'm now talking about YOU and NOT the commercial.
Go back to Texas and stop making me want to puke every time I have to see you on TV. You do NOT belong there.
No regards,
Karen Beth
Sorry. My letter was mean but seriously, she does make my stomach lurch.
Jenn, your letter was a riot! I loved it!
Dear Janice Dickinson -
I am so sorry you got banned from LA fashion week, they just can't handle the J.D. Since you have some free time this week now, let's hang out. We would have a blast and become BFs Forever or at least for a night.
I know you already know this, but it bears repeating: You are simply the best model from the 1970s/1980s. I believe you when you say you coined the term supermodel, regardless of what the news, press, and facts really are. I am not sure what happened with all the plastic surgery since then but regardless, at least you still OWN it.
Each time Twiggy is announced as the judge on ANTM, I shed a tear. What was Tyra thinking? Twiggy is so bland and doesn't look like a former model at all. Please give her the number of your plastic surgeon. The show has never been quite the same without you.
xoxo, Jody
P.S. I read your book and want to let you know that it's OK, I would have killed my Dad too.
jody...I need to read Janice's book!!!!!!
Karen Beth- AWESOME...just perfect, lol.
Dear Johnny Knoxville,
Please stop shooting yourself with large bags of ammo and being shot out of cannons. You were so adorable in the early Jackass shows and now because of your silly stunts you have aged out of cuteness. All this stunt stress is not good for your looks Johnny, please consider toning it down before you look 90 years old.
sincerely,
old fan
Dear Minnie Driver,
I normally want to write to film actresses to slag them. I’m disgusted every time I turn on the television and see some stupid pseudo-celebrity being fawned over like it was the second coming! I’m an intelligent gal, and it makes me crazy when the dumb chicks are being celebrated....for being dumb.
But I like you Minnie. You’re not dumb. In fact, I think you’re very smart, which is a great thing to have in combination with beauty and talent. I’ve loved your performance in every film of yours I’ve seen. Even if the movie itself tanks, I still like you in it. And I loved you as Lorraine Finster on Will and Grace. Fantastic! I only regret that I do not have cable television, and I’m missing out on watching you and Eddie Izzard in The Riches. I’m going to have to do some conniving to get into friends’ homes to shanghai their televisions. You can also sing, and not in the “I’m an actress, but I also have a record deal, a cosmetics line, and my own line of designer clothes.” kind of way. Opening for the Finn brothers is very cool.
I saw you last week on The Tonight Show. It made me happy to hear that you lived in a double-wide trailer, er, pardon me, modular home by the beach.....so you can just go across the road to surf. No big Hollywood mansion for you, no ma’am! For you are far cooler than any of those flakey fakes out there in L.A.!
So, what I’d like to know is, would you play me in the film my sister wants to do about our lives? We think you’d be perfect for the role. And you wouldn’t have to straighten your hair, ‘cause I’ve got curls too! And I’m tall...with a blonde sister...born in 1970...okay, I don’t sing, but I can dance! Am I getting creepy now? I was just trying to point out how perfect you’d be. So, think about it and get back with us, ‘kay?
X
Megan
Megan
That letter was awesome!!!!
xo
Jenn,
Your letter to Angie was the funniest thing I have read all day!
Dear Ru Paul,
Sup, Sister Sledge!! Where you been??? Do you know how much I miss seeing you on TV?? I admire your talent for walking in size 12 stripper shoes. By the way, where does a girl find clear 9 inch heals in a size 12, I can't even find them in a woman's size 9??
I must say I enjoyed your shauntes and saches, but where has all that sacheing gotten you to these days? I mean, even the bartender at the local fairy shop doesn't know where you are, and that means you are far far away with no update on your locale?
You aren't shacking up with Tom Cruise again are you?? Just because aliens approve of his behavior doesn't mean they approve of yours, no, no, no, no they don't!!
I miss your ball gowns and bee hive hair girl! Come back to tv, at least MTV and bring Pauly Shore with you, I miss his stuttering.
Sincerely,
Kristen
First,
AH A HA HA HAHA.
This:
My bubs think that you and Brad are secretly plotting to star in a live action movie version of the "It's A Small World" ride.
Totally made me spit out my Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi.
I shall be back with my letter, as soon as I wipe off my newly caffienated monitor screen.
But seriously: I would pay good money to see THAT movie!
Thanks Jenn! I loved yours, and I kept singing "It's a small, small world..." after reading it. I used to hate Angie, when she was married to the love of my life, Jonny Lee Miller. But once they divorced, the animosity lifted, and I was free to like her.
And I think Karen Beth spoke for so many of us. Bravo!
Excellent letter as always - I especially love this bit:
"Congrats on the latest purchase of that adorable toddler from Vietnam, I think he will go perfectly with your other children...."
Nearly choked on my water. U R evil ;-)
Hee hee hee hee love it!
I am too tired to do one. I can't even think. I can't even compete with all these other hilarious letters!!!!
XXO. Vanessa...
Made a ref. to you.... hheeee hee
Dear Donald Sutherland,
Please send me the $12 that you owe me. I have contacted your publicist several times, and she is no longer taking my calls. My girlfriend accepted a drink from you while I was in the bathroom because she thought it would be funny. What wasn't funny was when you thought her acceptance of a cocktail was your invitation to try to finger-bang her in public. By the time I arrived on the scene she had already pushed you away, causing your drink to spill on your fine, silk shirt and your tapered, artificially dressed jeans. You got in her face and I grabbed your shoulder to pull you away. Your security guard got in front of you to protect you, and you swatted at me like angry housecat, tearing my new shirt. Like I told your publicist, it was a cheap shirt- I got it on sale at H&M for like 11 dollars. I'm saying 12 cause of tax and all- I don't remember the exact amount. Anyway, as if this wasn't enough to ruin my night already, you stole my cab later in the evening. You're a dick, Donald Sutherland. Send me my $12, dude.
dear britney spears
please stop trying to find another man to love you and concentrate on looking after your children or you will go so crazy you wont be able to tell the difference between you and michael jackson.
love coco
p.s no more extensions yes?
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