Stiletto Heights

I am Jennifer Gordon- a mixed media collage artist and comic writer living in Columbus OH, with my fiance and love- Keith. I specialize in paintings, ACEOS, journals, art boxes and more. I am always available for commissions! Visit my etsy shop at: http://www.stilettoheights.etsy.com

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Dear (Insert Name Here )Week 15



(** Disclaimer....to all my New York readers, I am very sorry you have to read this, please keep in mind that New York is still my favorite city in the entire world, but....I grew up in New England so there is something that takes over inside my head during Spring, Summer, and Early Autumn...and that thing that takes over is pure blind hate....for the Yankees)

Dear Derek Jeter

sigh..

I found myself the other day inadvertently having to look at you during some stupid tv commercial for Diet Coke or some such nonsense....and immediately after seeing you I began to spew just a pure bile of hate.

I am normally not like this, normally I love most people, I don't eat meat, I am friendly to the environment....some would even call me a hippie....but I hate hippies so don't call me that.

Now I am not driven to violent thoughts very often, sure I go into a rage when I see a baby or small child in a nice restaurant (hello if there is no "kids menu" leave the kid at home), but that is normal, yet when I see you I immediately get very dark and twisted in my head.

I fear that if it was possible I would kidnap and torture you, keep you at the bottom of a well and send lotion down to you in a bucket, like in Silence of the Lambs, I can hear myself shouting to you in a throaty and scary voice, "Derek rubs the lotion on his skin or else he gets the hose again".

I am not one of those blind Rex Sox loyalists who will say you are not talented, no....I admit you are and it is one of the reasons I loathe you, but what really gets me, what really drives me over the edge s how you always seem like you're not even trying.

You're up at bat, and your chewing gum and looking all around and barely paying attention to the pitcher...same thing on the field.

What the hell is up with that? Is it the fact that you are just so f-ing good at the game that you are almost bored with it.

My bubs and I had a theory that the Yankees bought A-rod just as amusement to you, a high priced "bitch" if you will...

it makes sense, I see how he looks at you, his eyes all big with awe and fear.

Also...I blame you whole heartedly for the brain washing and hair cutting of Johnny Damon, one of my former Red Sox boyfriends...he is now dead to me.

I hope bad things happen to you, I hope the Yankees crash and burn this year, I hope A-rod gets sick of your womanizing ways and in a jealous rage does something that means you would be out for the rest of the season (don;t get me wrong, I don't want him to do permanent damage...I am human after all).

until next time....watch your back back Jeter.

Go Sox!!
Jennifer Gordon

Labels: , , , , , ,

18 Comments:

Blogger Beej said...

Well said, madam. Well said.

8:34 AM  
Blogger m.Lee said...

Don't hate me but sometimes I find myself rooting against the Sox just because the fans always take all the parking, get in the way on the T, make a mess, wear stupid little redsox earrings and other ugly clothing and wander around drunk. I am just not into baseball at all and find the season to bring out the worst in a lot of people. I don't dare say any of this publicly in Boston.

But I was happy for them when they went all the way a couple of years ago. Especially since I knew the madness would be over for awhile.

9:42 AM  
Blogger Craftymoose Crafts said...

Funny! Not much of a baseball fan here, though.

Missed you yesterday!

9:42 AM  
Blogger stilettoheights said...

Marissa...I don't hate you, and trust me I am not one of "those" fans, but it was bred into me from birth.

My dad actually blamed the Sox losing the series in 1975 on my birth.

sigh...

9:49 AM  
Blogger CountryGirl_CityLife said...

Dear Anna Wintour -

I know Jenn already wrote you so I am going to keep this short and sweet. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU, I love July's Vogue Cover with Natalia. You obviously got Jennifer's letter and are finally listening. You are the only one who can turn the mags back to the 90s and 80s glory and when you do, your bio will be even more glamorous.

...singlehandedly, Ms. Wintour took models and put them back on the cover of Vogue while putting actresses back in their place, in the studio....

yes you are obviously thinking about what your obit will say when all that not eating catches up to you, and The Devil Wears Prada would not have made a good claim to fame. This, though, is geniusosity. Keep it up.

much love, at least lately,

CGCL

10:29 AM  
Blogger Noelle said...

I can't stand any of the Yankees, they're all too pretty. I don't want to worry about the beautiful faces of my team being smashed by line drives. That's why I root for the Mets.

10:41 AM  
Blogger m.Lee said...

You don't get drunk at 3 in the afternoon and wear tacky earrings with little red socks? And here I have been so wrong about you! heheh

I grew up around Chicago so I know all about losing. I was happy when the Red Sox went all the way but was happier when the White Sox did it the year later. I think their curse was a lot worse than the one here!

2:48 PM  
Blogger Beej said...

Dear Mets,

You suck too. HA-HA, NL.

xoxo,
Beej

2:48 PM  
Blogger Sobe said...

Clearly you haven't met Amelia who is not afraid to go to a restaurant and order a filet mignon, medium. With a side of macaroni please. She is 4 1/2 though, does that make her not a small child?

I read this fast "watch your back back Jeter" and read "watch your back hair Jeter" ... GO SOX!

2:52 PM  
Blogger Beej said...

Dear Neil Diamond,

For the love of pete. Everybody retires. Please, please, please, can you too?

I mean, you wrote the creepiest song in the history of the world with "Heartlight." Come on:

"Turn on your heartlight
In the middle of a young boy's dream
Don't wake me up too soon
Gonna take a ride across the moon
You and me

He's lookin' for home
'Cause everyone needs a place
And home's the most excellent place of all
And I'll be right here if you should call me"


Also, Sweet Caroline has ruined some other perfectly enjoyable Red Sox games.

Lame.

Smooches,
B

2:53 PM  
Blogger Karen Beth said...

I'm a slack-o with no letter this week but I enjoyed the ones posted!

xo,

Karen Beth :)

3:19 PM  
Blogger Lis said...

Woohoo go Sox!

4:23 PM  
Blogger moogan said...

great letter! while I have heard of him, I do not follow baseball at all and will take your word for all of the above.

6:26 PM  
Blogger molly said...

welll...i guess it evens out
you dont like cc
i looove jeter

i was raised a yankees fan
and jeters my man


plus i just creepily rhymed

8:24 PM  
Blogger Steph said...

I almost missed Wednesday. Again.

I enjoyed your letter even though most mentions of baseball make my eyes glaze over.

11:07 PM  
Blogger LADY said...

While the New Yorker in me has to resent this post, everything else in me loves it.

12:13 AM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Damn, I can't believe I missed this yesterday. Here's the thing, Jenn: As annoying as Jeter is, I find A-Rod far more obnoxious -- noxious, even. From his strange, blue lips, to the insouciant way he runs the bases whilst blowing bubbles, to his poor sportsmanship ("MINE!", and of course, the effeminate glove slap during the '04 ALCS), every time I see the man, I just want to nut-kick him. Varitek shoving his glove in A-Rod's face is still one of the greatest moments in Sox history.

Oh, dear Zod, listen to me. And to think a year ago I didn't know any of this crap.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Rafe Totengco said...

you're hilarious!

4:32 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home