Stiletto Heights

I am Jennifer Gordon- a mixed media collage artist and comic writer living in Columbus OH, with my fiance and love- Keith. I specialize in paintings, ACEOS, journals, art boxes and more. I am always available for commissions! Visit my etsy shop at: http://www.stilettoheights.etsy.com

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Dear (Insert Name Here) week 12 (is it 12?)






Dear Paris Hilton

you know, part of me is sickened that I even had the urge write to you, I should just ignore you...in fact everyone should just ignore you.

But you see, I can't.

As I write this you will be going to jail soon, or maybe you are already there, you see I don't keep up that much with your antics...but I still feel in some little way, that I know you and I at least owe you a farewell.

How can we not all feel like we know you Paris, you are everywhere, we know where you party, what you wear, who you make out with, how you sing, how you drive, all your bff's, and frankly we even know how you have sex (thanks to "one night in paris").

Anyway, knowing all this about you, who are you really....are you really a lost little lamb that does not believe that driving drunk is wrong???

That was a really lame defense by the way, even for you.

I do have to give you props for once again being friends with Nicole Ritchie...who frankly is adorable as adorable gets, I am convinced that she is not actually a Ritchie, but the lost Olsen triplet...that is how I love her.

She was also the only saving grace of this months cover to Bazaar...

moving on...I also adore your sister Nicki...why can't we hear more about her??? Maybe now will be her time to shine with you being locked up in the slammer.

So now to the point of my letter...you do realize horrible things are going to happen to you while you are serving time, don't you?? I mean really, REALLY horrible things....I can't even imagine, you saw the movie Shawshank Redemption right? Well it's going to be like that, only worse.

I am assuming you will be become the prison bitch to a gang of poor women who at some point in time all worked for the Hilton chain, as maids...

you'll have to appease them by "making their beds" for a change...if you know what I mean, wait, do you know what I mean?

I know you didn't go to college like sister Nicki did...so perhaps this letter is going over your head, please have the person who is reading this to you explain the words you don't understand...maybe hire someone to translate it into a finger puppet play for you or a pop up book.

anyway, in all semi-seriousness...I hope you this whole fiasco will teach you something, and that is you are no "poor little rich girl" that my dear dumb one, went out of fashion with Gloria Vanderbilt.

ciao blondie

Jennifer Gordon

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23 Comments:

Blogger Aaron said...

Dear Jerry Falwell:

See you in hell, prick.

Love,
Aaron

8:48 AM  
Blogger Beej said...

The Best Star Magazine Cover Ever.

8:57 AM  
Blogger Beej said...

Dear Sylar,

I know you're like Jesus - you know, imaginary - but please don't kill Ando. Or Peter Petrelli. Or Claire. Ok? Oh, and ESPECIALLY Hiro.

I have an idea - what if we feed you all of the jerks we don't like? You can get the Falwells, the Oral Robertses, the Bushes, and the like. You could see what makes them such assholes. That would be interesting, right? Right?

Thanks,
Ben (NOT A HERO, PLEASE DON'T SLICE MY HEAD)

8:59 AM  
Blogger stilettoheights said...

hahahahahhahahahah!!!

9:03 AM  
Blogger coco said...

dear lindsay lohan
callum best is bound to give you any of the STI's you dont already have
I'd stay away from him and lock yourself in your house for a few weeks
love coco

9:08 AM  
Blogger Rafe Totengco said...

talk about a huge rude awakening for La Paris.

10:52 AM  
Blogger catbishop said...

Ouch, I gotta admit I actually like the girl, only because i love her and Nicole on the "the simple life"
Other than seeing her sex tape and the show I don't follow her antics but honestly she and Nicole crack me up on that show and i'm not easily humored. So there's my controversial comment.

10:55 AM  
Blogger stilettoheights said...

no no.....I love the Simple Life, sadly....but it's all about miss Nicole for me.

11:07 AM  
Blogger CountryGirl_CityLife said...

I expect so much more from someone named after such a gorgeous place. Sadly, this will only make her a bigger "star"

11:10 AM  
Blogger CountryGirl_CityLife said...

Dear Brit -

Shaving your head was a chance for your hair to have some relief and start over. Why oh why can't you rock the bald look? Sorry if I am stuck on this issue but I read, only this morning, that you bleached your short hair blond and got the cheap blond extensions put back in. Yo, did you not notice the giant bald spot from all the damage you did before when your hair was shaved? You will be so lucky to have any natural hair left in a few years. Get Ken Paves (OK maybe not, chestica simpson looks bad these days), Just get a stylist, pronto.

JD

11:16 AM  
Blogger NancyPearlWannabe said...

Dear middle schoolers the world over:

Please stop being so ridiculous. I know it's May and the weather is starting to make your fried little brains go crazy, but for real? You are causing me pain. Pain in my very soul, every time I think about you growing up and becoming a functioning adult. And understand, I use "functioning" in a very loose way, as in managing to live past the age of 21.

Believe me, kiddos, I'm wishing for June just as much as you.

Sincerely,

The Librarian

11:43 AM  
Blogger Ming_the_Merciless said...

Dear Jennifer Gordon,

Love your site. Love your humor. Love your letters.

Sincerely,

Ming

11:47 AM  
Blogger Karen Beth said...

Jenn - This letter rocks. Love it. I don't know all that much about Paris (believe it or not!) but I did know that she was going to jail. It will be quite a shock for her.

I'm doped up on Benadryl today and don't have a letter in me, I fear. May I pass until next time? I'm afraid anything I churned out today wouldn't make any sense at all. Ha!

xo,

Karen Beth :)

12:22 PM  
Blogger Heatherly said...

Jenn!! This is probably my most favorite letter to date ... although I like the Elvis one too. But the finger puppet comment is what really takes the cake LOL
Well done!!!
Heather

12:30 PM  
Blogger molly said...

this was great
ill be so pissed if she ends up not having to go

2:48 PM  
Blogger moogan said...

every week you out do the week before. How do you do it?

5:40 PM  
Blogger http://afancifultwist.typepad.com said...

That was hilarious. Oh my GOD! One of my biggest fears ever is jail. She must be freaking.....I would be screaming freaking out about jail..I mean, Little Kim went to jail..Was it okay for her??? And all those nasty people... Aye aye aye... Awful! I would have died from anxiety if I wear her....YIKES.
She is such a dumbass...

6:14 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

I had a dream that Paris Hilton got thrown in jail and she got beaten up. That was pretty much it but it was awesome.

6:43 PM  
Blogger GeminiWisdom said...

unfortunately, I heard that she wouldn't have to serve the whole 45 days because the jail is overcrowded. So, when did the universe tilt on its axis andmade something like that happen? I say, find another fucking jail. If anyone deserves to go to jail, it's her.

10:35 PM  
Blogger GeminiWisdom said...

Dear Lana Lang,

I know you're trying to protect Clark and all, but sooner or later, Lex is going to find out how you really feel about him (during next week's season finale probably) and go ballistic on you. You know how he gets when people get in his way.

Be careful, girl. I'm just sayin'.

Sincerely,
GW

10:38 PM  
Blogger Model Citzen said...

i'm totally having a paris hilton goes to jail party. SERIOUSLY. i'll post pics when it happens!

10:56 PM  
Blogger KSV said...

Can you please send this letter to that slut!!!! PLEASE!! I love it. I was just talking about this with a coworker of mine. We were discussing how other wealthy kids are actually volunteering, working, going to college, and we never hear about them. Instead we see pictures of Paris' unmentionable parts!! I love your letter. I couldn't think of who to write to, but I really love your letter. Thanks and please send it to that Poor Little Rich Girl.

11:02 PM  
Blogger dusk&summer said...

best letter ever

3:02 PM  

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