I can't think of a cool title...

On my walk to work today I was thinking...I was thinking about how when I was a kid, all the little girls my mom babysat would all want to play house, all the time. They woudl fight over who got to be the mom, who wanted to be the baby...etc.

Of course there was the strange little girl who always wanted to play the dad...but that is a completely different story.

It was odd even when I was little I never wanted to play house, I most certainly NEVER wanted to play the Mom, I always demanded to play the role of "The neighbor" I would keep to myself, play on the outskirts of their little house drama, the baby, the cleaning and cooking...even at age 5, I knew I wanted no part of that.

I have struggled with this dilemma, especially out here in the Mid-West, if you are not having babied by age 25 you are considered odd, if you are not married your are an old maid.

I am a freak because I have no maternal instincts, I am a freak because I never want to have children. NEVER.

I saw all of this on the day after having the peanut this weekend. Please don't get me wrong, I love the little monster because she is part of Keith, but had anyone asked me several years ago if I would be giving medicine to a little girl and taking care of her when she was sick, I woudl have told them that they were out of their minds.

It is not just the children thing though, I have always kept everyone at a distance. When I was married before, I never even let my husband cuddle with me, or hold my hand, he would try to lay on me and it disgusted me...like he was a child, and I the mom. I hated his neediness.

I really don't know why I am thinking of all of this today, I really don't know why. All I do know is that with Keith, I am different. I know what it means to love someone now. I love when we hold each other, and I never see his need to touch me as weakness, not even in the slightest.

I guess that is because I should have been with him the whole time.

I guess the real reason I was thinking all this, is because of my solitary life out here. I have Keith which is wonderful beyond measure, but that is really it, I don't have anyone else. I devote myself to art and Keith, and it's fine like that.

Yes, I am lonely sometimes, dreadfully lonely...but most of the time, I am fine. I am fine keeping people far away from me.

This is what I was thinking about, if that is really normal. Should I reach out more, should I connect with people?

This art card I did is about the love connection...no, not the bad game show, but the actual connection I feel for Keith. It is called "At This Moment I Knew I Loved You" and it is available in my Etsy Store.

sorry this was so long winded and crazy, tomorrow I will try and lighten up a bit.