Dear Insert Name Here
(disclaimer, I know none of you will know who I am talking about as she is not really a celebrity, but trust me...look at her pictures and you will get the drift).
Dear Brittany Allen (back up singer, crazy hick whore for George Jones)
um...........I have no clever opening remark for you other than, hi.
I recently attended the George Jones concert in Columbus, and was a little under whelmed but the whole "Jones" aspect of the show...though I will admit one of the highlights of the evening was when you came in the stage....your outfit was terrible, black off the shoulder sequins and lace mixed with unflattering "mom pants" and a ton of crazy makeup.
You looked like a drag queen, or worse yet...a man on Saturday Night live dressed up like a crazy woman on religious tv stations.
ok...now you are wondering why then was it my favorite part when you came onto the stage??? well, it was because the hillbilly men in the audience went crazy, they hooted and hollered like you were the first woman they had seen in ages, it was sort of brilliant, touching, and most of all sad.
Now....I understand the gig, you're a country girl doing your thing, loving the baby Jesus, and the troops, and The U S of A.
But I think....you should embrace all that even more...go full out, have giant feathered hair and short bolero jackets that are all "bedazzeled" and glimmering in the state fair lights.
I want you to wear giant multi layer skirts, and I want the inside to look like the flag....in short you need to embrace the crazy and let the crazy embrace you!!
You need to see a stylist and you just say to them that you want to look like Barbara Mandrel in the early 1980's!!
Now when you were sining at the show, you were clapping....and no you were not clapping like a normal person, you were clapping in this odd way, letting your hands slide off each other, almost as if you were washing the sins away...
I will be truthful, I did not notice this, but my bubs has been talking about it ever since, and you know....if you are going to do a crazy country clap, you should do the "June Carter" when she would clap it looked like she was banging two pieces of wood together, or erasers....equally ridiculous looking, but more endearing than yours.
so with that a bid you adieu (that's fancy French talk for goodbye)