Stiletto Heights

I am Jennifer Gordon- a mixed media collage artist and comic writer living in Columbus OH, with my fiance and love- Keith. I specialize in paintings, ACEOS, journals, art boxes and more. I am always available for commissions! Visit my etsy shop at: http://www.stilettoheights.etsy.com

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Dear Insert Name Here





(disclaimer, I know none of you will know who I am talking about as she is not really a celebrity, but trust me...look at her pictures and you will get the drift).

Dear Brittany Allen (back up singer, crazy hick whore for George Jones)

um...........I have no clever opening remark for you other than, hi.

I recently attended the George Jones concert in Columbus, and was a little under whelmed but the whole "Jones" aspect of the show...though I will admit one of the highlights of the evening was when you came in the stage....your outfit was terrible, black off the shoulder sequins and lace mixed with unflattering "mom pants" and a ton of crazy makeup.

You looked like a drag queen, or worse yet...a man on Saturday Night live dressed up like a crazy woman on religious tv stations.

ok...now you are wondering why then was it my favorite part when you came onto the stage??? well, it was because the hillbilly men in the audience went crazy, they hooted and hollered like you were the first woman they had seen in ages, it was sort of brilliant, touching, and most of all sad.

Now....I understand the gig, you're a country girl doing your thing, loving the baby Jesus, and the troops, and The U S of A.

But I think....you should embrace all that even more...go full out, have giant feathered hair and short bolero jackets that are all "bedazzeled" and glimmering in the state fair lights.

I want you to wear giant multi layer skirts, and I want the inside to look like the flag....in short you need to embrace the crazy and let the crazy embrace you!!

You need to see a stylist and you just say to them that you want to look like Barbara Mandrel in the early 1980's!!

Now when you were sining at the show, you were clapping....and no you were not clapping like a normal person, you were clapping in this odd way, letting your hands slide off each other, almost as if you were washing the sins away...

I will be truthful, I did not notice this, but my bubs has been talking about it ever since, and you know....if you are going to do a crazy country clap, you should do the "June Carter" when she would clap it looked like she was banging two pieces of wood together, or erasers....equally ridiculous looking, but more endearing than yours.

so with that a bid you adieu (that's fancy French talk for goodbye)

Jennifer Gordon

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11 Comments:

Blogger m.Lee said...

Is that a jean vest I spy?

9:37 AM  
Blogger stilettoheights said...

yes...yes it is a jean vest...hot huh??

9:42 AM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Dear Tom Cruise,

I don't know why I'm bothering, because this is like, the fourth Stiletto Heights letter I've written to you. Which, whatever, dude.

I just wanted you to know that when I was at the movies Sunday with Evil Kate, some preview came on for a movie. It had Robert Redford. It didn't look promising. Suddenly, about halfway in, you popped up in full-on Tom Cruise-I'm-a-cocky-mofo mode, spouting some yell-y gibberish (in other words, you were trying to act), and Kate and I burst into hysterical laughter at the sight of you.

Okay, I was mostly the one doing the laughing, but still.

Hail Xenu,
A

9:42 AM  
Blogger CountryGirl_CityLife said...

oh gosh, oh gosh, please don't ever let become too busy to care about what's fashionable. great letter! I hope to be back with some creative flowness.

10:36 AM  
Blogger CountryGirl_CityLife said...

oh I have a short one.....

Dear Sarah Michelle Gellar -

I know you have been written before but I have to ask again....WHY? Why that Lucky Mag cover? You look deformed and all weirdnoseish. I love Buffy, but I recoil at the site of you these days. I know you went back to brunette to distance yourself from all things Joss Whedon, but you look much better blonde and dumb. The natural brunette thing doesn't make you seem any wiser, if you were, you wouldn't do movies like the grudge or um, scooby doo. Either way, I will still see you in hunting & fishing because I adored the novel, damn you. Don't f this up for me.

xoxo,

CGCL

10:41 AM  
Blogger Ming_the_Merciless said...

Country music ain't country if it weren't for the tacky get-up!! I mean, what is country music without a denim jacket and fringes on the sleeves.

10:54 AM  
Blogger alexgirl said...

Dear Rihanna,

Your own line of umbrellas?
Seriously?
Please rethink.

xo
Alex

11:00 AM  
Blogger Noelle said...

I think she is, or must be related to the woman who taught dance at my college. She was full of dance, meaning everything in her wardrobe, even the hangers, had rhinestones.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Nora said...

Dear that 70's Show;

You weren't that funny or even that accurate. I never even bothered.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Sweet Spice said...

lol



http://sweetspicestory.blogspot.com/

4:08 PM  
Blogger jungle dream pagoda said...

I am laughing my patootie off!!!!!!! AHHH HAHAHA HAHA!!!!....and you win my blogspot soundbite of the week award for..."you were clapping in this odd way, letting your hands slide off each other, almost as if you were washing the sins away..."I will laugh about this one all week!!!

12:52 AM  

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